増殖
目が覚めた。
仮眠が終わって仕事に戻ろうと思っていたが、わたしは淡いピンクの寝間着を着ていて同じような色の布団を被って自分の部屋で寝ていた。今日は久しぶりの休日だった。枕元の小さな目覚まし時計を確認する。八時五十分、もう少し眠っていたかったが、起き上がってトイレにいった。
今日は先月の合コンで知り合った中田くんとデートの約束をしている。場所は電車を乗り継いだ先にある大型ショッピングモール。わたしは少々散らかった机の上の白くてお洒落な模様のスマートフォンを手にとり、メールを確認した。ついでに天気予報と占いもちらっと見る。今日の天気は晴れ、おひつじ座は四位とまずまずだ。
「羨ましい限りだわ」と同僚の美智子はお得意の人懐こい笑みを浮かべた。わたしたちは深夜のナースステーションでわたしの新しい彼氏について語り合っていた。
「あたしも由紀みたいにお持ち帰りされてみたいわ」
「いやいや、お持ち帰りじゃないし。あの後すぐ帰ったからね」
「ほんとにい?」
「ほんとだから。わたしはあなたと違ってまともなお付き合いをしているの」
中田くんは真面目で優しそうな人だった。合コンの時も飲み物を注いだり話してない人に話題を振ったりして、気配りのできる人だなと思った。笑ったときにできるえくぼが素敵だった。
彼は近くのアパレルショップに勤めているとのことだった。
「もうこのまま結婚までいっちゃえば。こんなチャンスそうそうないよ」
「そう?」
「そうだよ」
結婚……はしたいと思っている。だがわたしは結婚に対してそこまで焦っている訳ではなかった。なんと言えばいいのか、もし彼とうまくいかなかったとしてもまた次があるだろうと漠然と楽観していた。他人にはああいうけれども美智子だって同じように思っているにちがいない。彼女はわたしよりもモテるのだ。
「結婚ねえ」
ボイラーをつけ、服を脱いで浴室に入る。蛇口をひねると、シャワーの冷たい水が全身に降りかかる。息が止まるほど冷たい。ぐっと我慢して固定口からシャワーを取り外す。シャワーの水は少しずつ温かくなっていき、鳥肌がたったわたしの皮膚はゆっくりと弛んでいった。
暗く静かな夜の道を、わたしと中田くんは二人きりで帰った。闇に覆われた空にうっすらと灰色の雲の形が見えた。街灯の下がやけに明るかった。
「絶対大変だよな、看護師って」
「大変だよ。休みもほとんどとれないし」
「老人とかのお世話もするんだろ? お風呂にいれたり、服を着替えさせたり……」
「それって、どちらかというと看護師じゃなくて介護福祉士の仕事じゃない?」
「ああ、そうなの?」
「それにわたしが担当しているのは小児科だから、あんまりお年寄りの人とは関わりないかなあ」
看護師ってどんな仕事してんの、と彼はわたしにきいた。そんなこと合コンできけばいい話だが、合コンの中では各々の仕事の話はあまり話題にならなかった。わたしは看護師の仕事について話し始めた。彼は熱心に耳を傾け、時折質問を挟んだ。話が一通り終わると今度は彼が自分の仕事の話を始めた。彼のするファッションの話はどれも興味深いものばかりで、思わず聞き入った。
「今度、どこで会おうか」
「うーん、しばらくは仕事続きだね。だいぶ先になっちゃうかもしれないけど、あとでメールする」
「わかった。じゃあ、またね」
熱いシャワーが身体を隅々まで濡らしていく。白い湯気が立ち上っている。素肌はシャワーで温められているのに、体の芯は冷たくなるように感じる。この感覚はあまり好きじゃない。
彼とは長く続けばいいなと、わたしは思った。いい人だった。このまま結婚までいけたら、それはそれで幸せだと思う。
「お父さん」
わたしは父の袖を弱く引っ張った。父はテレビの前に寝転がって夕方のニュース番組を見ていた。居間にはテレビの他に茶色いマッサージチェアがあって、その上に今日の新聞が置かれてあった。
父はわたしに気づくと、身体を起こしてわたしの方を向いて、なんだ、と言った。
「今日学校で将来の夢について聞かれたんだけど、なりたいものが多すぎて絞りきれないの」
わたしは学校でもらったプリントを父に見せた。プリントには『将来自分がなりたいものについて書いてみよう』と書かれてあって、その下に四角い記入欄があった。わたしはその中に思いつく限りの自分の夢を書きつづっていた。歌手、漫画家、看護師、学校の先生、パティシエ、保育士、スポーツ選手、キャビンアテンダント、動物園の飼育員、デザイナー……どの夢も楽しそうで魅力的だった。だけど先生は多すぎるからせめて二、三にしぼりなさいというのだ。他の子もそのくらいしか書いてないらしい。わたしは一人考えてみたが、やはりしかしどの夢も捨てがたい。
「まだ若いうちはいいんだ。これから考えていけば」父は野暮ったそうに言った。
「本当?」
「ああ」父は大きなあくびをひとつした。「それに夢がたくさんあるってことは、それだけ可能性が広がってるってことさ」
そう言って父は再びテレビの方へと体を向けた。わたしはなんだかテストでいい点をとってほめられたような気分になった。自分の部屋に戻り、プリントを見直してみる。なるほど、わたしにはたくさんの可能性があるんだ。わたしは自分のことが誇らしくなってきた。歌手にもなれるし、漫画家にも、学校の先生にもなれるんだ。わたしは自分の将来に思いをはせながら、木製のベッドに寝転がった。青いくまの抱き枕に頭を寝かせた。
しばらくそうしているうちに、わたしの頭にある考えが浮かんだ。どの夢が一番いいかなんてわたしにはとても選べない。どの夢もおなじくらい素晴らしく見える。ならばいっそのこと、どの夢も全部叶えてしまえばいいのだ。
「わたしが何人もいればなあ……わたしがたくさんになれば」
自分で言ってバカらしいと思った。たくさんになったわたし一人ひとりに違う仕事をさせる。わたしは数十人もの自分がぞろぞろ歩いているところを想像して、思わず笑いそうになった。口に出す前から自分でも分かっている。ただの冗談。
寝返りを打つ。蛍光灯がちかちか点滅している。もう寿命なのかもしれない。わたしは自分の学習机をじっと見つめた。プリントにまだ書きたい将来の夢があったので、わたしはまた起き上がって机に向かい、プリントに将来の夢を書き始めた。あれもいいな、これもいいなと考えているうちに、文字の列は記入欄をはみだし、プリント全体にびっしりと書き込まれていった。
待ち合わせの時間より何分か遅れて駅に到着した。津堂はわたしと腕時計を交互に見ながら、イライラしているふりをしている。ふりというのが分かるのは、いつもそういうことをしてわたしを困らせようとしているからだ。
「ごめーん、待った?」
「お前、おれより早く来るって言ってたじゃねえかよ」
「いやあ、いろいろ準備に手間取っちゃってさ」
「罰金百万円だからな」
「何でよ」
津堂は黒の眼鏡をかけたぽっちゃり体型の男だ。ついでにわたしもぽっちゃりしている。パティシエになってから炭水化物の多いものをよく食べるようになり、気付けばブクブク太ってしまった。まあ、パティシエになるためには必要な犠牲だったのだろう。
切符を買って改札を抜け、プラットフォームに二人で並んで立つ。今日はとあるホテルのバイキングに行く予定だ。わたしは財布の中身を確認した。知り合いからもらったクーポンに少ししわができていた。
「まさかクーポン忘れたんじゃないだろうな」
「ちゃんとあるよ」
電車が来るとわたしたちは前から二両目の車両に乗った。今日は日曜日ということもあって乗っている人の数がいつもより多かった。電車はゆっくりと発車した。
「あっ、見て由紀」
わたしは隣に座る香美さんに袖を強く引っ張られた。香美さんの指差す窓の外を見ると、ちょうど商店街から子供みこしが出てきたところだった。太鼓と笛の軽快な調子に合わせて威勢のいいかけ声が聞こえてくるようだ。もうこんな季節か、とわたしは思った。イラストの仕事で家にこもりきりだと、つい季節というものを忘れてしまう。ストレスで体重も落ちてきた。
「懐かしいなあ。私も小さい頃、よくやらされてたんだよね」と香美さんは言った。
「あれ、やったことあるんですか?」
「うちの親、祭り熱心だったから。由紀はやったことないの?」
「うーん……やったことないですね」そう言いながらわたしは小さかった頃のことをあまり覚えていないということに気づいた。今のわたしから見て子供の頃のわたしはひどくぼんやりとしていた。しばらくすると、もはやわたしの持病となりつつある偏頭痛が起こり、わたしは痛がってうつむいた。
「由紀、大丈夫?」と隣の友香に声をかけられる。わたしは痛いのを我慢して大丈夫と答えた。家を出る前に頭痛薬を飲んでおけばよかった。少し乗り物酔いの感覚もあった。わたしは窓の外を眺めた。ビルとビルの間にちらちらと雪が舞い、通り過ぎる地面にうっすら積もり始めていた。
水族館は駅を出て何分かのところにあった。暑い夏の日だった。敷島が水族館なら涼めるだろうとわたしに提案してきたのだ。わたしはタオルで汗を拭った。どうせ涼むなら海水浴やプールのほうがいいと思ったが、わたしは何も言わないでおいた。今回のデートは彼とわたしが仲直りするためのものなのだ。水族館というチョイスもわたしが動物園の飼育員をしているから興味を持つと思ったのだろう。
中に入るとクーラーがきいていて涼んだ。家族連れの客が多いようだった。
「ここの水族館、見所が多くてけっこうおすすめだから」受付をすませた後、敷島はわたしに水族館のパンフレットを渡した。「今は期間限定でノコギリエイが展示されているんだって」
「ふーん、おもしろそうだね」とわたしは言った。言ってしまってから、あまりに素っ気ない言葉だなと思った。
わたしたちはまず熱帯魚のコーナーに入っていった。薄暗い展示スペースに種類別に分けられた魚がそれぞれの水槽で泳いでいた。魚の種類は多種多様で見飽きることがなかった。もう少し行くとドクターフィッシュやナマコに触れられるコーナーがあって、わたしは健太にやってみようよと言った。ドクターフィッシュはこそばゆくて、ナマコはぐにゃぐにゃしていた。
敷島はわたしにどこか遠慮しているところがあって、わたしから少し距離を置いているのがだんだん分かってきた。わたしが何か話しかけても、そっけない返事しか返ってこない。一週間前の大喧嘩を引きずって縮こまっているのだ。わたしは彼のこういう臆病なところが嫌いだった。わたしはだんだんイライラしてきた。ノコギリエイの水槽に来るまで、わたしたちは何も話さなかった。なんともばつの悪い時間が流れた。
ノコギリエイの水槽は特別展示と書かれた区画に設けられてあって、水槽の横に餌やりの時間が書かれてあった。水槽の底に真っ二つになった大根が散らばっていた。本当にあの尖ったのこぎりでぶった切るんだなと思った。
「ノコギリエイって、なんでこんな形になったんだろうね」とわたしは彼に聞いた。彼からの返事はなかった。いよいよわたしの不満は募り、彼にひとこと言ってやろうという気になった。これじゃあせっかくのデートの意味がないと思う。わたしは息を吸い込んだ。
「ねえ、わたし、入りたくないんだけど」
わたしがそう言うと田口はすぐに振り返ってわたしの方を見た。
「えっ、お前それマジで言ってんの?」田口はレザージャケットにストレートデニムという洒落た格好をしていた。わたしと田口はデパートの二階にある期間限定のお化け屋敷の前に立っていた。わたしはお化けとかそういうのがとにかく苦手で、一刻も早くその場から逃げたいと思っていた。
「わたし、お化け屋敷とか超苦手。怖いの嫌だし」
「俺に一人で行けってのか」
「そういうこと」
「いやいや、そんなこと言わないでさ、行こうぜ」と彼はわたしの肩をがっちりつかんでわたしを半ば強制的にお化け屋敷へ連れて行く。いくら嫌だと言っても彼は聞く耳を持たない。それどころか笑ってすらいる。わたしは恐怖で足がすくんだ。ここは買い物をするところなのに何しに恐がらなくちゃいけないのか。田口にはこういう強引なところがあった。
少女の霊に追いかけられたりしてさんざん驚かされてわたしたちはお化け屋敷を出た。わたしが半べそをかきそうになっているのを見て田口は吹き出した。なんて憎たらしいやつと思いながら、わたしもなぜかつられて笑った。
「もうそろそろお昼にしない?」とわたしは言った。ああそうだなと彼は答え、わたしたちはデパ地下のレストラン街へと足を向けた。少し迷って、すいてそうなバイキングの店に入った。
店内は木目調のテーブルと椅子で統一され、オレンジの照明が落ち着いた雰囲気を醸し出している。品目はイタリア料理が多く、わたしはピザを何枚かとバーニャカウダを取り皿にとった。小春はすでに丸テーブルの席に着いてスパゲッティやリゾットを食べていた。わたしも彼女の向かいの椅子に座った。
「あーあ、何で落ちちゃったんだろ」と小春は言った。言いながら、フォークでパスタを器用に巻き上げていく。
「また次があるって。そんなに落ち込むことないよ」
「次がある、かあ」小春はフォークを動かす手を止めた。「そうだよね。次があるよね」
小春は去年の冬から始まった就職活動で一向に成果を出せず、わたしによく弱音を吐いていた。わたしはその度に彼女を励まし、彼女もそれに応えるように懸命に努力していた。だがここ最近の小春はどこか諦めているような感じがして、それがわたしには悲しかった。
そもそも小春はどうしてどこからも内定をもらえないんだろうか。小春はサークル活動も積極的にやっていたようだし、簿記や情報処理などの資格も持っている。大学の成績も悪くないはずだ。何よりも彼女にはアメリカに数週間留学した経験があるのだ。これで就職できない方がおかしい。それとも面接に何か問題があるのだろうか。
「……ちょっと由紀、人の話聞いてる?」
「えっ……? ああごめん、ちょっと考え事してて」
「あんたってたまにそういう抜けたところあるよね。まあ、そこがかわいいんだけど」
なにがかわいいだ、とわたしは反論しようとしたが、ちょうどそのとき注文したラーメンがわたしと志保里のいるボックス席に運ばれてきた。茶髪の店員がごゆっくり、と言って伝票を小さな透明のプラスチックの筒に入れた。
「だからさ、昨日の夜、オーシャンズ13を見たんだけど、これががけっこう面白かったんだよね」と志保里はラーメンをすすりながら映画のあらすじを丁寧に語り始めた。正直言ってあまり興味の持てる話ではなかったが、かといってこのまま聞き流すのも申し訳ないと思い、わたしはできるだけ彼女の言葉を頭の中に入れるよう努めた。ラーメンを食べているうちに、眼鏡のくもりが取れてきた。
「あっ、そういえば今映画館であれやってるっしょ。風立ちぬ」
「ああそれ、わたしも見たい」
「これ食べ終わったらさ、ちょっと観に行こうよ」
今の時間帯やってるかな、とわたしは思った。わたしたちはラーメン屋を出るとショッピングモールの五階にある映画館に向かった。
父がリビングのパソコンの前で何やら困ったように腕を組んでいる。画面には真っ黒な背景に白いアルファベットの文章が並んでいる。わたしはこの画面を見る度になぜかドキドキした。これから何か悪いことが起きるような気になるのだ。
「パソコン壊れちゃったの?」母が父の背後からパソコンの画面を心配そうに覗き込む。母はこれから看護師の夜勤があって、いろいろ準備をしている最中だった。わたしは二人から少し離れた灰色のソファに座っていた。
「前からおかしくなってたんだよ。ファイルがいっぱいですとかいう、表示があったんだよ」
「いろいろ詰め込み過ぎたんじゃないの? データが多すぎると動きが悪くなるって、前買った本に書いてなかった?」
「そうかもしれないな」父は組んでいた腕を外し、両手を腿の上に置いた。「こりゃあもう再セットアップするしかないか」
父は書類の収納棚とCDケースからパソコンの説明書と再セットアップ用の黒いフロッピーディスクを取り出した。一旦電源を切ってフロッピーディスクを挿入し、再び電源を入れると、パソコンからピッと音が鳴って、画面に白っぽいグレーの背景が表れた 。文章の文字も白っぽい色で、こちら側からはなんと書いてあるか分からなかった。父は真剣な顔で説明書を読みながら、マウスやキーボードをちゃかちゃか操作していた。長い時間が経ち、母もいつの間にか家を出ていた。わたしはいつもと違う微妙な色の画面にしばらく目がくぎ付けになっていた。再セットアップによってこのパソコンは新しく生まれ変わる。古いデータは消去され、パソコンは購入した当時の状態にリセットされる。つけっぱなしのテレビから観客の笑い声が聞こえてきた。十時くらいになって父にはやく寝なさいと言われ、わたしは自分の部屋に戻った。
映画館を出ると、先程までいた真っ暗な空間とは違う全体的に明るい空間に一瞬目が眩む。チケット係のお姉さんと目が合って、ありがとうございますと言われたので、わたしは軽く会釈する。
「おもしろかったね、映画」とわたしは言った。
「うん」と中田くんはそれ以上何も言わず、余韻に浸っているように見えた。
わたしたちが観た映画は人気があるようで、客席もほぼ満席だった。会場を後にする人々は行列を形作ってロビーまでの廊下を進んでいた。その中には老夫婦やわたしたちのような若いカップル、その他家族連れの人たちがいた。わたしたちの前にいるサラリーマン風の男が汗ばむ顔をうちわであおいでいた人。
ロビーを出ると「この後どこ行く?」と中田くんが聞いてきて、わたしはちょっとトイレと言って近くの女子トイレに立ち寄人人った。トイレのなかは黒っぽい緑の壁に人人人おおわれていた。洗面台の消臭剤のにお人人人人いがかすかに漂っていた。
わたしが女子トイレから出るなり中田くんは「大丈夫か、由紀?」と心配そうに声を人人人人人かけた。気が付くとわたしは頭がぼーっとしていて、鈍い人人人人人人痛みがはしっていた。それでもわたしは、大丈夫だと答えた。風邪でも人人人人人人人引いたのかもしれない。身体もなんとなく人人人人人人人人だるい気がする。昔から風邪にはかかりやすい体質だった。わたしは人人人人人人人人人中田くんと歩きながら、ショッピングモールの吹き抜けの天井を人人人人人人人人人人見上げた。空はくもりがちであったが、差し込む光は人人人人人人人人人人人暖かだった。中田くんが何人人人人人人人人人人人人か話している。何を話しているのかは全然聞こえなくて、ただ人人人人人人人人人人人人人口が動いているのだけが見える。周囲の音人人人人人人人人人人人人人人も人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人いつの間にか人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人聞こえなくなって人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人。
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