untitled story
I have no friends. I have no lover. I go to work, but I don't speak about private. Even though I rarely go out on weekends, I still wonder why I went out at that time on that day, and I still regret it.
It was twilight when it rained.
I really wanted to drink orange juice. I usually put up with juice because it would be dangerous to go out in the middle of the night, but for some reason I couldn't stand and went outside. On leaving the store and returning to my room, I saw the man standing in front of the apartment. The street lights lit up in a circle, he was standing upright. He turned back to my footsteps. In the backlight, only the face was covered with a dark shadow, and I could not see it. The man went out of the light of the streetlight and turned to me. I thought I had to get rid of the bag I had in my hand and run away, but my legs did not move like frozen. I could see the knife in my eyes. A large knife was being held.
Hey, do you live here?
The man called out to me in a light tone.
I was watching you coming out, you're the person in that room.
A man points to the door of my room and I noticed the knife is wet. I also noticed that the man's hands, clothes, and shoes on the back of a streetlight were messy and dirty. And at the same time as taking the last step, the man bent down in front of me,
Can you lend me a bath?
I can't forget that smile.
I couldn't refuse it, so he stepped into my room, aligned shoes politely, and headed to the bathroom with a knife. When he entered the bathroom with his clothes on, I heard his laugh, mixed with the sound of the water in the shower. It was a suppressed laughter, like he can’t stop laughing. Shall I report? ... blood. The stain on his clothes, was blood. He is washing his head while humming. I stood in front of the frosted glass in the bathroom, holding the store bag with orange juice inside. Shall I report? But the room and face are known. It is troublesome to go to the police. It is annoying to think that it is a person concerned. I don't know how long I was standing there, but after a while he came out naked.
“Wow, I'm sorry.”
I was surprised and solidified again. He returned to the bathroom, showed only his face, and asked if he could lend me a towel too. It must have been a bath filled with soapy or steamy odors, but I felt like it smelled of blood. Shivering does not stop while handing a towel. I have no idea what I can do to get over this place.
It may be easier to die.
I lived as if I was dead. There were days when I didn't speak to anyone. Every day, I take a train, work, take a train home, and sleep. I took him through one of the 2K rooms, the room where I usually live. His nose frowned at the smell of oil paint, unlike my nose, who got used to it and barely sniffed. I gaze at his back.
“Can I wait here until my clothes are dry?”
It was as if to ask an old friend. After getting out of the bath and wiping off the water with a towel, he said that all he wore was washed in the bathroom. I stopped thinking about something and lent him a large T-shirt and jersey. The season was autumn, and I even gave him a blanket. And now he's asleep on the floor under my bed. In the air of blood he wears, but my nose already get used to it and can't scent out that. The presence of the man I invited in, the air in the room, and I mixed together and sank.
sinking
But this world doesn’t have the end. I have to sink forever.
The man was gone when I woke up. Noisy outside. As I headed to the wash basin to wash my face, I saw a knife rolling around in the open bathroom. I was too lazy to move and slept until daytime. The chime rang. It is sounded persistently many times. Frustratingly, when I opened the door, two police officers stood with their eyes looking at me. I should have closed the bathroom door.
"There was an incident in this neighborhood last night. Do you have any idea about suspicious sounds or people?"
One of the police officers said in a friendly voice. It feels like other man is staring at my face, gestures, and the room.
"... No. I didn't leave the house so."
When I replied, they told me we might visit you again, but thank you for your cooperation, then they left . ...They will come again. I bet he will come again too. He will come to my room to pick up the forgotten weapon. I will invite him in silently again, because the hassle wins, and accept it all without running away from him. The next apartment was closed. Yellow tape was put on and policemen were in and out all day long.
Go to the work. Go home. Draw a picture that no one will see. Then, when the picture dries, paint again from above and draw another picture. Repeating that, my heart was already dead. It died, cooled, and lost its elasticity like dry clay. Maybe I wanted to destroy it. Maybe I was looking for something or someone that would shatter me. What if my wish was distorted and pulled him finally?
He visited my room during the night. Rhythmically chiming, with the same innocent smile as yesterday,
“I forgot something. Can I go in?”
I took him inside again. I knew he was a disaster, but today I invited by my own will.
“Thank you for this.”
He handed out a carefully folded jersey. I picked it up silently and saw his face. The TV was on all day today. From the morning, it's all about the murders that happened in the apartment next door.
“Did you do this?”
It was the first word I said to him.
“Yes. You didn’t talk about me to anyone. I was wondering if I had to kill you.”
“――Don’t kill me.”
“I won't kill you, because you won't talk to anyone about me, right?”
There was no innocence in his word.
“Why did you kill?”
He only laughed gently and didn't answer.
“Goodmorning.”
“Goodmorning.”
“Did you see that news? That serial murder case.”
The next day, while changing into uniforms and boiling water in the hot water supply room, one person talk to me. In the last few days, it was reported that the murders that had occurred in the city were likely to be the same as the fourth one. And the murder that happened in my neighbor's house has been argued by the media that there is a possibility of same or not.
“That town is close to where you live. Be careful."
I thought it was a bad conversation for the morning conversation. I exaggerated my eyebrows and said,
“You too.”
The water of the kettle boiled while making a small noise. The sound of the ventilation fan is noisy.
...noisy.
Return to home. I am relieved because the room is not light. Turn on the electricity with a snap. The room is full of strange human odor. Open the window. Under the window, the next apartment is still wrapped with yellow tape.
"Welcome back."
I was so surprised that I thought I would just fall through the window.
“I didn’t know you are here.”
Gently close the window and close the curtain unnecessarily snugly. The man sits cross-legged in the middle of the small room I usually use to draw.
“Did you draw this?”
The man says, ignoring my words, looking at a few canvases piled up randomly in the back. It's amazing, it feels like a lot of grudges. He says that and laughs like it's so funny.
“...grudges?”
“Draw and crush, crush and draw, isn't this an outlet for emotions? Is it hard to live so much?”
He said, and traced a piece of the sketch. Paint that has not dried up sticks to the man's finger.
“Maybe you want to die? Certainly, I think that people who draw such pictures will definitely be easier to die than living.”
The man said so and put his hand on his cheek. The stains of the blue-black paint remain like scars on the smiling face. The man stands up and appears one step ahead. I wanted to take a step back by that amount, but at the moment when I lifted my leg just a little bit, the man walked away two or three steps at a tremendous speed, so I could not escape.
“You’re so pity!”
He said happily, and hugged me.
“You have always wanted to be like this. Right? I know. ...Anne.”
The body was so cold that I couldn't even think of it as alive. I struggle to escape, but it doesn't work.
“Why do you know my name?”
“I was free all day long so.”
A man's hand rubs my back like searching for my organ. Scapula, flank, waist. The hem of the shirt is tucked up, and the man's dry palm is cold on my skin. Only my skin is soft and sticks to the palm of a man. The zipper on the back is pulled down like tearing through the skin. It sounds like a scream. I think like it’s other personnel. When I noticed, the man stared into my face. My face is reflected in the big, bottomless dark eyes of a man.
“Hey, call me my name too.”
My name is, Rui.
“――Rui…”
“You are a good girl.”
When he laughs, a sharp canine is seen.
My body is like a rag bag filled with mud.
The alarm set at 7:30 every day sounds as usual. I don't feel like I slept, but I wake up my broken body. I have to go to the work. ...I have a pain in my body. There was no appearance of Rui. I was horrified when I prepared to leave the house. The key is locked properly. Before I knew it, the duplicate key for this room was created. I looked very sick, and even sales who have applied for expenses was worried about me. I’m not okay. It's ridiculous to ponder, I close my senses as usual and end the day just like usual.
“Welcome back.”
“Why are you here… Give me that duplicate key…”
When I returned, Rui was sitting room in the back with smile.
“You don’t like me that much?”
“...No. I just don’t want to hide you…”
He grabbed my face. The nail bites into the cheek. It hurts like tearing. I sat down like I'm collapsing.
"Okay, okay, you're really stupid. Let's do this, you were threatened by me, under the control of violence, you couldn't resist and kept me hidden. I thought you would understand without explaining this. That's fine? If that's fine, I'll do that.”
He said so, then let go of the hand that was holding my face, grabbed my neck with that hand, and shook the other hand.
“Wait!”
The arm stops.
“What if you think about it? If I get injured and go to work, someone will find someone wrong.”
He relaxed his arms, and smiled again.
“That’s true. So, I'm looking forward to living with you!”
He said so, and he gently stroked my cheek with the hand he was trying to punch me. The place where his nails were on my cheek was painful. Instinctively, I thought it would be worse to show him more frightened, so I tried to keep calm, but I couldn't stop trembling all over my body. I have never been so conscious of life and death until now. I thought it would be easier to die and lived everyday, but when this man stood in front of me, I felt an urge that I had never felt before, not wanting to die or wanting to live. It's like the other me that I don't know is clinging me. I watch the man in front of me, who silently eats. A gentle face that looks friendly, a body that looks big and sturdy, and locution that sounds fun. I wonder why such a person is a murderer, and I also think maybe this kind of person is easier to be broke.
“Why are you looking at me so much?”
Rui said so like he is ridiculing me. I ignored it. The tailbone that I hit hard while ago, the back and hips dragged around the floor last night, and the face he was grabbing, the whole body hurts like it's warning. Looking away, the clothes that Rui wore on the first night were dried in the room I'm using to draw. There is no weapon he had on the first night.
“Anne, you’re so good at cooking! They are delicious.”
Delicious? This? It’s like a cray that tastes salty for me.
“You should take it to your boyfriend. He will like it.”
“...I don’t have boyfriend.”
He made a surprised look, but did not say anything.
“Do you have any ketchup?”
He stood up before I answer, and take out ketchup from refrigerator. Than, he put ketchup on food he said delicious a little while ago. The foods that are dyed bright red now look strange. Rui still carries it on his mouth with smile. Every time he opens his mouth, the redness inside his mouth and the whiteness of his teeth flicker in my field of vision with an unrealistic vividness. I unintentionally stood up and vomited in the sink.
“Are you okay?”
Rui puts his hand on my back and strokes gently. He touches my mouth with his right hand while stroking my back with left hand. Oh, poor you. He said with a deeply merciful voice, he lips to my mouth, even though I haven't washed vomid. ――Disgusting. After I pressed my chest hard and pushed Rui away, I vomited again.
I noticed that Rui went out silently that night.
10 days have passed since Rui disappeared. I thought about telling the landlord to change the key to my house, but he already looked my room so he might know my parents' house and workplace. I thought I can't do anything that harm his mood. I have given up so much.
“You look sick recently. Are you okay?"
The people at work kindly speak to me.
“There are a lot of things to worry about.”
I dodge lightly like this.
About five days after Rui disappeared, I was even wondering if it was a dream. However, on a day when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, I sat in front of the canvas after a long time, and saw the marks of his finger. Yes, that night was for sure. His body temperature that's higher than mine, the large shadow that covered the light of fluorescent lamp in the kitchen, the voice that is kind but empty. All of that revived as a feeling of foreign body, and I shook the brush to shake them off. I relentlessly and persistently paint white paint on the mark of his fingers.
