明日の手の届かない未来に溺れる (English Ver.)
I really want to post short stories in Japanese one day, but I just can't wait until I am fluent in Japanese, so here is the English version. Sorry for the inconvenience.
The first step is always the hardest after all.
Anyway, enjoy!
It is 1:30 again. I can't count how many times have I stayed up this late thinking, thinking about tomorrow.
I’m so tired.
Thinking about empty, meaningless things that won’t change anything. But surprisingly, I can never seem to get tired of this and it’s like drowning.
Or is it because I can’t think of any other way to figure things out? I don’t know. I suppose that I can only ponder about myself around this late after all. All the noise that the surrounding makes suffocates me after all.
It suffocates me to the point that I can’t even act like myself. It is like something is influencing the way that people act around people. It makes me hide who I truly am and somehow I won’t feel like resisting every time.
I’m supposed to be getting some rest, yet I am spending these precious hours trying to solve the biggest mystery of my life. Exhausted inside out, I think I now have a habit of pretending that I’m perfectly fine every time someone asks me if I'm okay or not. However, that wasn’t what I’d say back then, back when ‘memories’ was still not painful to recall.
Through countless nights similar to this one, I’ve came up with one idea that may be able to explain this tiredness that I can never get rid of.
Coming to a conclusion that one single factor is the cause for why I’m not myself anymore is not rational, right? But this is the only thing that I think of, I’m not smart to begin with.
I think that expectation from others is the cause. When I was young, I was always happy when my parents praised me, even when I didn’t do exactly the best in the tests. As I grew up, for some reason it became a curse though.
“You know the mistakes that you made, right?”
“You can always try again.”
Is there any meaning to these words? When did it turn into a customary?
Frankly, as a grown-up now, I’d rather my parents say nothing than saying those blank phrases. Oh, since my university entrance exams are coming up, I’m sure I’ll be receiving them soon.
Even the family photo on the desk next to my bed reminds me of the expectations from them. Is it normal for people at my age to feel that distance is growing between, not only family, but friends as well?
I was in bed since 10:30, ignoring all the calls. All the ringing and buzzes annoyed me so much, but I couldn’t bring myself to hang them up as soon as the shouting began. It already makes me guilty when I look at the record.
This guilt that happens to co-exist with this unique tiredness of mine seems to have grown as well. Why?
As if anyone will reply to this irrelevant question of mine. I don’t know why I asked in the first place, this is just my melancholy thoughts in my mind.
In the past, I thought that it was natural that, as long as you knew everything, you’d be wanted, and that if you were wanted, you’d have friends.
They all used to praise me, praise me for my talent and effort. But when I ask for help, they would have this deeply disappointed look on their faces. For others who were expected to need help, the people that paid attention to them would never have the same type of look.
I’d panic, wondering if I haven’t given my all. As I grew up, I realised that it is not me to blame, but it seems like it was too late already. This unreasonable standard has already been planted within my heart.
And it’s also not something that I can do anything about, just like all of the things in my life.
All humans on this planet want control over their own lives, right? But there are obviously people that don’t have that power. Is the term, ‘equality’, that is thoroughly rooted in our society only a convenient lie made up to create this fake air of opportunity for everyone?
It is really unfair after all. My boundaries are always placed tenfold where others are placed. I’m just so tired.
If one sigh takes away one minute of my life, then I believe that I’ll definitely be dead by now. If that was the case then, I won’t have to lay in bed now, suffering, yet still saying ‘it’s okay’ to myself.
“Asking for help doesn’t mean that you’re weak, it means that you have the strength and courage to do so.”
I think there is a phrase similar to this. I believed in it. But it’s just another lie. Talented people aren’t supposed to receive help from the beginning.
Ah… I can feel the crack in my mind again. It always appears when I expose lies that were told to me. And it hurts so badly that I want to scream, but I won’t. They are supposed to be correct.
“Stop caring about them!” I shouted, sat up and punched myself on my left cheek.
Why am I worrying about others anyway? Is this what lies have turned me into? A monster that doesn’t have its own thoughts?
Sadness, frustration, loneliness, regrets, anger, guiltiness, despair, grief, doubt and jealousy are probably dissolving me right now.
The unwanted tears are flowing down from my lamented eyes again. But ‘it’s okay’. I think I know what I want now.
I think I understand everything now. No matter how many times I cry unintentionally, nothing will change. There is no point to cry meaninglessly when knowing that it’s only a lie.
Maybe I’m not hiding myself, I just simply lost who I am. That explains why I never feel like myself. I’ve finally solved one of the questions.
But no spark of joy?
No problem. I shouldn’t expect much from myself like them.
I pulled the blanket off my cold body and turned on the lights, then returned to bed.
Wanting to know what messages were sent to me, I pressed on the freezing-to-touch screen with my fingers.
“Are you revising? I hope you’re not staying in bed for the whole day again! This is not an exam that you can afford to fail! We are all here for you!”
Here it is.
People’s hearts are all so empty and ingenuine.
Nobody really cares about each other, don’t they? They only care about what benefits them, right?
Even if I die here, in this single apartment right now, nothing is going to change in the world.
Then, rather than agonizing, taking an endless but comfortable sleep will benefit me the most right?
I’m so tired. But, I’ve made up my mind.
Dropping my phone down on the floor, I reached out to the drawers and took out my life-saver.
Twisting the cap of the small bottle, I gently shook it a few onto my other empty hand and swallowed. I then laid in bed again.
Hopefully this is the end. To be honest, I don’t think that I can stand hearing voices of other people anymore since a long time ago.
I closed my eyes and relaxed. All the people that know me won’t feel a thing if they hear about me, probably. But it’s fine. If they don’t care, then I won’t care as well.
This way, nobody can expect anything from me anymore. Just thinking about that makes my stiff shoulders feel lighter than ever.
Just thinking about this feels great. I think I’m finally relieved of my duties and responsibilities.
I smiled and smiled. Until my mind goes completely blank, I don’t think I’ll stop smiling.
Perhaps there’s going to be a better outcome if I haven’t done what I’ve just done, but I don’t regret my decision.
Why will I want to risk going through what I’ve been going through for another year? There’s no reason for that. In one year’s time, nothing will change. In ten year’s time, nothing will change as well. Trying to scavenge for an exit route is pointless.
Before I knew it, the tears stopped flowing. This is the start of the end, right?
My eyes are closed, but I can start to see the world without having to open my eyes.
Is this hallucination?
Not that it really matters anymore. Any colour is better than the blackness of people’s hearts.
Colours that I’ve never seen since I was a child flew across my field of vision, dying it in all sorts of colours.
Is it a beach? The yellow and silk-like sand that’s on the ground feels so nice.
I’m not tired anymore.
Taking a deep breath, I begin to walk towards the ocean, while staring at the dazzling orange-tinted sun, as if it is calling out to me.
Reaching a suitable distance from the beach, I stopped moving and faded into the water.
So warm, I don’t want to leave. The scenery of the sun melting into the surface of water is almost like fantasy. Like what tomorrow may look like.
As if I am drowning in the unreachable future of tomorrow, all the slightest hints of happiness, hope, excitement, faith, gratitude, thankfulness, serenity, love, longings and the future flash before my mind.
My body is freed of the weight of expectations as I began to sink. Then, my eyes closed as this soothing tiredness strikes me.
I’m sure that this time, I won’t wake up to tomorrow anymore.
I apologise that this is posted in English once again. But for now, if anyone is kind enough to translate this short story into Japanese, then please feel free to do so! You can send it to 0efface0e@gmail.com
Thanks for reading and I'll see you again in my next work. じゃ!
