Where I Belong
Facing east.
A great arc of light swept across the sky.
Together with that light, the soul raced through the heavens and descended—down beside the pond.
There stood a small shrine.
Houses lined the area around it, here and there glowing with warm lights. A pale moon hung in the night sky.
There was no sound.
Time itself seemed to have stopped.
Curled up alone, arms wrapped around my knees, face buried against them, I wept.
Does he truly love me?
The question had returned again and again.
Are his feelings really love—
and not merely regret… or pity?
Isn’t his self-loathing simply turning into a selfish sense of guilt?
…And if that’s the case,
can it even be called love?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anymore.
But then…
What about me?
He loved me.
And because of that, people slowly began to drift away from me.
“Oh my, you’re not with your brother today?”
The memories came flooding back.
So many words, each one piercing my heart like a needle.
“I do wonder whether it is proper to behave in such a… enticing manner.”
Enticing?
I never tried to entice anyone.
We simply cared for one another.
He cherished me. I cherished him.
That was all.
“You are with him again today?”
Was it wrong for me to be with him?
Was being beside him such a terrible thing?
“Who put such ideas into your head? To seduce the future Emperor…”
Seduce him?
What are you talking about?
“Would just anyone have done for you? How disgraceful.”
Disgraceful?
Am I… disgraceful?
Besides—
I was never the one who pursued him.
And I never allowed anyone else near me but him.
“You cannot be together with one who shares your blood.”
I know that.
I know it already.
I know, I know—
but every night he came to see me.
Every night he reached for me.
He told me there was no one else but me.
What was I supposed to do?
Of course I knew it was wrong.
I knew, I knew—
but—
It wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t my fault.
The one to blame was not me—
…
I froze.
Who…?
Who was I trying to blame?
Did I truly—
truly love him?
Did I truly think of him before myself?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anymore.
“Would it not be better for you to marry?”
Another memory resurfaced.
If only I could have done that.
Everything would have been so much easier.
No more accusations.
His position would have been protected.
We were brother and sister by blood—our bond would never have vanished entirely.
But…
if I had done that,
I could no longer have remained by his side.
A painful ache tightened around my chest.
Why did it have to be him?
Why were we born sharing the same blood?
“What a beautiful woman.”
“Like a flower itself.”
“Almost intoxicating.”
“Radiant beyond words.”
Not long before, everyone around me had adored me.
Everyone had tried desperately to win my attention.
And yet—
…
What was it that I truly wanted?
How did I want others to see me?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
No matter what others thought—
what kind of bond did I truly want with him?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
Why, back then…
did I accept his feelings so completely?
I could have softened them.
Deflected them gently.
If I had not accepted them so readily,
perhaps I would not have stolen away the future of the one I cherished most.
His position.
His honor.
Even his life.
We brought forth conflict.
Many people suffered.
Many died.
We were young.
Far too young.
Why, back then…
would it not have been truer love to conform where we had to—
to avoid our ruin, and the chaos surrounding us?
But that is only reason.
What about my feelings?
What did I truly want?
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
And yet—
if there is one thing I can say now—
it is this:
once again, we were born beneath the same fate as before.
Are we being tested?
…
What about the life we have now?
What fills my heart each day?
Quiet days shared by just the two of us—
days without want or hardship.
Carefree smiles.
A life where we can reveal everything to one another.
A bond where I would do anything for him.
Where even the smallest thing about him worries me.
It goes beyond love.
Beyond romance itself.
The peaceful days in which I can truly be myself—
those days exist only beside him.
And yet…
we are not allowed to let them last.
A man and woman born sharing the same blood are forbidden from becoming one.
…
No.
No—
I can’t bear that.
I don’t want that.
I want to stay with him.
I want us to remain together forever.
I never want to lose him again.
We were separated for sixteen hundred years.
I cannot imagine a life without him.
I cannot bear the thought of being apart from him again.
And yet—
will we be condemned once more?
Will people look at us with cold eyes again?
All we want is to go on living the way we always have.
All we want is an ordinary life.
Are we truly such sinful beings?
What are we supposed to do?
I don’t know.
I don’t know anymore.
Must we continue wandering forever through endless reincarnation—
through an eternal hell without end?
God—
if You truly exist,
please…
let these peaceful days continue.
Let me keep living beside him.
Please.
Please don’t take him away from me again!
