Solitude　和英

Because I didn't want to be alone,

Even if I couldn't reach, I stretched out my hand.

Even if I wasn't understood, I spoke my mind.

Even if I was misunderstood, I faced the conflict.

The more I tried, the more I became the enemy.

So then,

I didn't want to think anymore.

So then,

I just ran away.

I stopped trying "not to be alone,"

And stepped forward "to be alone."

Choosing solitude, I find this place comfortable.

Choosing solitude, my heart feels light here.

Since it won't reach anyway,

Since it won't be understood anyway,

Since I’ll be misunderstood anyway,

I was finally set free because I felt and experienced it all.

Rather than fearing and avoiding solitude,

Embracing and internalizing it feels more like who I am.

Sometimes,

Though I’m supposed to be alone,

That regret from back then comes visiting.

Though I’m supposed to have chosen solitude,

That person from back then comes visiting.

I thought I had accepted and internalized this loneliness.

But at the end of the path where I sought solitude, that regret is waiting.

At the end of the choice for solitude, that person is standing there.

Even in solitude, the memory of that regret,

Even in solitude, the memory of that person,

They pull at my arm as I walk into the isolation.

They force me to look back at the self that chose to be alone.

Am I not yet used to being alone

Has my solitude not even begun

I chose this path. I moved forward.

I shouldn't lose my way over occasional memories.

I must push on, telling them they are a nuisance for making me waver.

But for some reason,

Even though I chose solitude and I’m moving forward,

Why is it that I don't feel lonely

I’m trying so hard to be alone—

Is it yet to come

Or is this what solitude is

I was lonelier when I didn't want to be alone.

I feel less lonely now that I’m trying to be.

Does this contradiction keep me from feeling the isolation?

Where does solitude hide

Is the reason I don't feel it

Because I haven't fully accepted or internalized it yet

When I didn't want to be alone, solitude was right beside me.

When I try to be alone, it disappears.

Now, I am even abandoned by solitude.

And so, I am released from myself.

The reason I don't feel solitude

Is because I no longer feel myself.