The March of Phantasia [Part 2]
It rained that night. God was not on our side.
It may seem crazy to blame God for such a thing, yet we ended up in a strange world where we have to start our whole lives all over again. How can I not blame God?
The night was cold.
After we first saw a town in the distance from that place we landed, we decided that it would be best to head there. Though our landing point was on a mountain and the fact that it could take time to climb down didn't exactly occur to us. By nightfall, we ended up eating the meat of a carcass we found on the ground and taking refuge from the rain under a small roof of trees.
"We don't even know what this is." Lanie pointed out.
"Yeah..." I added.
"Well, we have food and we didn't even have to hunt for it. Cheer up, guys." Elle rebuked.
I supposed I was being pessimistic, taking what I had for granted. Compared to my life in the real world, this was the pits, but my real life was privileged.
I couldn't help feeling depressed, though. My family was gone. Where I was used to there being a path behind me to retrace to return to the comfort of my home and family, the path behind me was unfamiliar and wild.
We sulked underneath the trees, trying to push the raw meat down. Our flimsy modern-day clothing was fully saturated and clung to our skin.
Elle broke the silence, "Just think of this like camping, guys."
Throughout my time knowing Elle as a person, she has been one of the people I rely on and trust the most. She almost always knows what to say and can't help but put everything through the lens of a true-blue optimist.
This was a situation where what she said just didn't help at all, and Lanie felt the same. She just stared at her white socks, now brown and muddy from the trek. While Elle couldn't find the right words this time, the thought counted. I knew that as long as I had Elle with me, I wouln't, or rather I couldn't, allow myself to completely lose. She would be there to pick me up, just like always.
XX
I slumped against the wall of the student center with my face buried in my knees. The sounds of the students around me was just white noise usually, but their voices bounced in my head.
I had fear that maybe the tears would stain my pants and that people would see. But who was I kidding? People around me knew that something was very wrong with me. Maybe not that I was crying, but someone hiding their face usually implies that something is wrong.
Everybody continued on.
Perhaps they were afraid to go to me.
To see what was wrong.
To get involved in something that could be terrible.
Or maybe I just didn't matter.
At the time, that answer seemed the most likely. I had nothing. I wasn't a stand-out character at school except for me being a bit awkward, but if anything it seemed like a stretch for anyone to like me. I had no benefits and hardly any character. I'm a real person, so how does that even work? I have no strong points. I have no particular interests. I only like video games, reading, and et cetera but everyone else was better than me. I had nothing to call my own.
Except for faults. Insecurities include just about anything. I was never good at test taking. I always tried my best but I never got grades where someone would actually tell me that I was doing well. I only ever had two friends, and before that year, I only ever had one. I would fatigue easily when doing anything physical. My parents would even treat me as though I'm dumb. They would call me irresponsible for being sick away from school for a few days and then proceed to deny saying so.
I was worthless. It was the weakest, most vulnerable moment in my life.
I thought it may just be better if I could die.
But I was too much of a fucking pussy to even kill myself.
I was worse than a pile of human trash; a waste of life, of breath.
I heard the footsteps of a person coming towards me.
"Are you okay? You look depressed." whispered the voice of a girl. It sounded as though she was leaning over me.
I stayed silent, hoping she would go away.
I wasn't answering, so she knew something was wrong.
A small sound like a hiccup escaped my breath as I desperately tried to hold in my tears in front of this stranger.
She grabbed my wrist and pulled me with a tremendous amount of force. I couldn't ignore it. So I looked up.
Our eyes met.
Her eyes held what could only be considered pity. Not empathy. Her eyes were almost screaming in horror at the sight of the tear-stained emotional wreck of a boy in front of her eyes.
I realized that I knew her. I recognized her as Lanie's friend.
She pulled me outside of the student center into the courtyard, which was empty since it was very cold that day.
The brisk air almost hurt my tired, red eyes.
I didn't want a 'popular girl' to get mixed up me, so I lied, "I'm fine, I'll be fine-"
"No. You're not" she interrupted.
"O-Okay... You're right, but..." I thought of how to explain, "This doesn't concern you, just go and be happy."
"I can't if you aren't, Aiden."
She knew my name.
"Forget my name because it isn't worth knowing."
She understood what was going on from my last sentence.
"If you think anything like that, you're wrong. Aiden-"
I couldn't relate. Even without the emotional side to it, there was nothing I could pinpoint about myself that makes me worth living alongside the other great people in the world.
"-I know how you feel."
I was caught off guard. I managed to make eye contact with her.
"I used to think the same thing about myself, but I realized that everyone has a purpose. Anything can be flipped upside-down with enough force. Aiden-"
I stared at her, wondering where she was going.
"- you're breathing, aren't you?"
What does that mean? "All that means is that I'm living."
"Exactly."
I started to realize what she meant.
"Anyone alive should be able to live. Everyone struggles and that allows us to live like a privilege. But really living-"
"..."
"-is when you help another person live. I find it hard to say that you are worthless when you live life so much."
I didn't believe one second that I lived life as much as she was saying. But I knew where she was coming from and what she meant. But really, I was thinking of Lanie.
"Aiden. Lanie was struggling with something once, and after it was over, she told me something that made me really happy. She told me, 'I know who my favorite person in the world is. To be honest, it's definitely-'"
Wha-
"'Aiden.'"
That was the first time I sobbed openly in front of a random girl. And to be honest, it was nice to feel the warmth of human life on my shoulder in the shadows of the cold courtyard.
XX
I dropped the now clean bone and looked at Elle, who smiled. And as I had done from that day years ago since, I smiled back.
