Moonlight
Yuki stood on the sidewalk, her phone clutched in her hand as she looked about for a glimpse of who she was waiting for. It was 21:00 and felt as if she’d been waiting forever
/Where is she?/
She looked at her phone’s clock. She the noticed the day was Monday.
“What?!?”
The date had been on Sunday, how was she so late?
“I’m sorryyyy!”
Yuki sat up in bed, a cold sweat had broken on her forehead during her anxious dream.
“Oh.”
She woke up her phone that said on her bedside table, it read 03:00 on Sunday.
She lay back down and drew the blanket over her head.
/I’m way to nervous about this./
Yuki had had similar dreams since high school, extremely vivid and always involving her being late or having messed up. She’d wake up in a sweat, panicked about something that had never happened.
/But, I don’t want to mess it up somehow./
She looked at her clock again.
/It won’t help if I’m exhausted from not sleeping though. I need to be well rested and not get up past noon like I always do on Sundays./
She lay staring at the dim ceiling.
/My god, I can’t sleep./
She turned to her side and tucked her hands under her pillow, burying her face deeper. Staying silent, to gently drift off to sleep.
“Ahhhhh!”
/Now I can’t sleep, because I’m worried about not sleeping!/
She threw her covers off and sat up straight.
/I need tea./
She walked over to her kitchen area and turned on her electric kettle. She opened the cupboard above the counter and pulled out her boxes of tea.
“What?!?”
/They’re all caffeinated, that’ll make it worse!/
Tucked behind the boxes of green and black teas were packets of instant hot cocoa.
/I forgot about these./
The kettle began to whistle and she poured the powder and water in a big mug.
She stirred the cocoa gently as she turned on a lamp and sat on her couch.
Her phone had been sitting in night mode, so all notifications were silenced and were hidden till morning.
/I’ll just see if I have any notifications./
She browsed Twitter slightly disappointed that no notifications greeted her. Her thumb slowed as she sipped her cocoa. She stopped and smacked her forehead lightly.
/I’m an idiot, this’ll just keep me up!/
She put her phone on the little table in front of the couch.
“Now what.”
She exhaled dramatically.
/I don’t have any new novels or magazines. Screens are out./
She sipped her cocoa and stared out the glass of the sliding door that led to her small balcony.
/A lot has happened in the past three days./
Her foots steps were almost silent as she walked to the sliding door and opened it slowly, it made a hushed sigh.
The night breeze was cool, at night she wore her hair in a ponytail that sat over her shoulder. Still a few loose hairs flitted around as she tucked them behind her ear.
/I didn’t notice the moon./
Not quite full, it still case a silver glow over everything. Except for the sound of the breeze the world was silent. It was magical scene as she gazed outward over her neighborhood towards the moon.
/I haven’t just gazed since I was young./
She remembered a similar scene from many years before. She looked out over open water to see the moon casting its silver light on the lake’s surface. Her grandparents’ country home sat not too far behind her, and fireflies danced in the reeds.
“Oh.”
She felt a tightness in her throat.
“When...”
She felt the beginning of a tear in her eye.
“I forgot...”
The sound of bullfrogs, and chirping of crickets. Her grandmother calling out for her.
/That was so long ago./
Steam rose from her cocoa.
That scene played in her mind, it had happened more than a decade past.
/That was the happiest time of my life. I loved summer nights in the countryside./
A similar scene played in her mind. One that took place only a year after.
The moons silver light illuminated the falling Sakura petals as she watched from the back porch. The air still cool, and a tea held in her hand.
“When...”
Tears began forming in her eyes.
Her mother called to her to go to sleep, school would be starting the next day.
She sniffed as her nose became runny.
She called back, wanting to watch the moon and flowers for five more minutes.
“When did I...”
Her voice was wavering, and hoarse.
Her mind felt at ease. No one to judge or let down, just the quite world she could watch.
She let out a single sob as she looked into her mug.
Time moved forward a few years. Around the same time of the year, in the same house. But she was no longer on the back porch, no longer saw the moon. She read a school life manga, about a kid who went away to Tokyo. The country side no longer interested her.
She began crying even more. No room for words to be said.
A year later. She was in the main room yelling at her mother. Arguing how the country side was boring. She was tired of the people, she wanted to see the city. Her mother’s sad eyes as she mocked the town she had loved since she was a girl.
“I didn’t mean...”
A couple months later, she moved boxes into her dormitory, excited by the hustle and bustle of the city. The next day she was introduced as the new transfer student, just like in her favorite manga. Secret happy at all the attention she was getting.
She only cried now.
She was walking alone in the hall, her books clutched tightly. Kids staring and whispering to each other. She trips and her books and papers fly everywhere. She looks up to see a girl’s foot out, smiling. A group of girls mocked how she dressed, her hair, her glasses, the way she spoke. They all called her a bumpkin over and over again.
She was crouched down her face hidden in her arms, crying harder.
She had been alone in that school, in this city. She desperately tried to change her style, her way of speaking. She read more manga, her grades falling rapidly.
“I was so stupid!”
It was graduation. She had almost no friends, most of the ones who pretended to be simply abandoned her, no matter how much she changed she had always been the bumpkin to them.
“How did it all go wrong...”
She walked past the gates of her school for the last time. She would be able to get into a good enough university, but her grades were still mediocre. She hadn’t been even a member of any clubs, just tried to fit into cliques. She looked around at the families all leaving together for celebration. Her mother and father had been unable to make it, it was too far and there was too much to do. In the end there was no blaming them. The school tuition was a fortune wasted.
Yuki cried tears of anger and self loathing. She wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear.
She had failed the only people that mattered to her, and caused them so much pain. All because of her selfish delusions of a high school life. Just like in manga.
“How could I!”
Her following university years she paid for herself. She worked hard and was a diligent student. She kept to herself, avoiding as much interaction as possible so she wouldn’t accidentally say anything country. She didn’t want to get close to anyone just to have them leave. Overtime she hid away all her regret and memories for before, they were too painful, made her feel worthless and ashamed.
“I’m so sorry...”
She sniffled and sobbed as the words fell from her mouth.
“When did I get so old?”
She fell back and sat on the ground, pulling her legs in and hugged them tighter.
“I shouldn’t have left, I wanna go back...”
Those memories nights in her youth returned in her mind.
They were so beautiful and so painful, so familiar and distant.
“I wanna go back to then, I wanna see the lake and gramma and all them...”
She would go back and stay on the back porch forever, watching the moonlight dance and cast its silver gaze on her.
“I wanna say sorry to ma and pa, that I messed up real bad. I want to go to school out there. Stay and be happy...”
She raised her head to look up at the small part of the sky she could see. No stars showed in Tokyo because of the lights. Not that she could see through teary eyes to begin with.
“If I had stayed I wouldn’t be all nervous an’ scared all the time. I’d be happy an’ normal. I wouldn’t cry alone in this cramped apartment at three in the morning.”
She sobbed a few times more.
“I wouldn’t have those bad dreams...”
She cried for some time longer. Replaying the memories and wishes in her mind.
She sniffed and wiped the flowing tears from her cheeks.
“But I can’t...”
She cried as she considered the true tragedy of the story.
All of the pain she’d caused her family and herself couldn’t be undone. Her fears, anxieties, and bad dreams were permanent. And she was the cause.
“I don’t know what to do...”
She then thought of her recent experiences. The moments she actually felt good, like when she was young. The day before and evening before that. It was with Rika she felt she was ok, and not judged.
She wiped more tears from her cheeks.
It almost felt wrong, like it wasn’t real. How could all of that misery had happened yet from it something went right. She felt guilty. Her happiness was off the back of all the ruin she’d caused. How could she possibly deserve it. What if it was just another lie?
The ground was so cold, she took her mug inside and laid curled up on her bed. Her head tucked into her arms and her tears silently fell for some time more. She didn’t remember falling asleep.
