989. Season of change, 8
(Rose)
Another day has passed. The human body has melted slightly, but the real living being is growing more firmly. The ribcage has turned into a giant bulb for something hybrid or new.
I help it kindly. I left it alone for some time to find water and food for myself.
I foraged for fruits I don’t recognize and mushrooms that are numerous around.
Then again I returned there for this lulled time. I have no hurry. I’m safe and back on Earth anyway. Somewhere.
Nightmare is away. Nokarlık back to her autotrophic realm most likely.
I can take my time to recover and rest my mind. I use it to care for this last child of the great Night.
I sleep beside the corpse that turned to soil and flower bed rapidly. It’s been drained toward that chest before it could rot. Another daiûa will rise from all that was gathered here before. I at least am here to reassure it. It will struggle to hatch, but won’t need to suffer. I’ll be here for you until you can fly.
How you will relate to the world and the history you weren’t there for, I wonder. From what you assimilated of past science and sensations. And what you will make of it through your own beliefs and experience.
The biggest difference against the past I’m the last one or so to have ever known, it’s in the disappearance of the societies.
We now grow without anything resembling a human web and society. It makes me feel that all too many people died, which is uneasy. It also makes me feel that the world has somehow grown bigger, and I quite like it. Antic ruins of glorious civilisations free to study and discover now cover the globe, ever so more. Maybe you will have that endless curiosity for this past. Growing from the fringes of societies current or past, and further with wild dreams as the world seems to grow before our eyes.
Maybe you’ll gaze with envy at the stars.
Perhaps you will dream to fly, and to create what can fulfil that passion.
Other closer to my kin were always looking a little further and behind the walls that lie around us. We want to see what stands beyond the horizon, looking for something more whimsical that was missed.
I’ve been one, looking for the details where the boundaries between tales and reality might soften slightly. Another me succeeded.
I wonder where you will find your call, in which direction being alive will become blissful and meaningful to you.
For now, all I want to insure, is that it’s not starting as torture, skewing your perspective direly right away.
I did my best with my child. I wish I had done better on one aspect especially, but I believe she’s grown overall quite alright.
I mean, I get the feeling she’d be willing to fuck anything that aren’t stones nowadays...
Well, maybe it depends on the shape of the stones though.
I hope she won’t hear me thinking that. She would probably make me pay. Even if it’s true, that was unkind.
R - Don’t go and tell her okay? And I hope you find your place more easily in the world...
I feel a little sad now that Nightmare is gone. It’s still hard to swallow and digest. She’s going to make her own place much wider toward another world entirely.
Ever the ambitious and always the achiever that one.
God... I still admire her so much I’m tearing up. Goodness me.
I brush my tears away and resume providing some heat and nutritious memories to this soft egg now. You’ll be free to grow as ambitious as Nightmare if that comes to be what you want to do.
~
I’m unsure of where I am, although I haven’t really cared to figure it out so far. But one thing is sure, I haven’t returned near where the last ship departed.
That, I will keep a blame on her. I’m afraid to discover in the future what this central area of northern America has turned into.
Sadly I will have to compare it to Magenta’s dead zone in central Russia. It will depend how long it takes me to walk from the edge toward the centre when that time will come.
She’s been selfish beyond reason here... I will continue to have ambivalent feelings about her overall now because of this.
You know what one of my saddest secrets is? It’s a memory that isn’t from me.
I feel like it was my birth mother saying this, hundreds of years ago. I know it’s impossible, and more likely it came from a cousin or an aunt if it wasn’t simply imagined.
A fragment of past memory from very older time, that still somehow was crystallised into T.I; long before it was widespread a phenomenon, and eventually reaching me.
It reminds me of these doubts over where are the boundaries between bad dreams, antagonist feelings, and painful moments in life hard to overcome.
R - What she said was... When I realised that these nightmares were reality, I understood how much my life had been but a beautiful yet fleeting dream...
Something along those lines. It’s bitter to me. It’s sweet. It’s upside down. It’s an ancestor of mine carrying an early hint of our family’s bloodline curse and blessing.
May you be sparred from my shades and clocking weaknesses that remain a core part of my being.
From Aetherwine, my oldest recorded ancestor, it’s what you manage to make of it.
I won’t pretend it’s always obvious or easy for it’s not. As the world is full of contrast and perspectives shifting even, you will eventually suffer. More than you could yet imagine.
And hopefully, you won’t sink when the sea is in turmoil.
There is chaos in life, and we’ll thrive through it. To each their preferred way to sail this sea.
Such is life and our coming ways to like it.
I hope you manage not to sink, and then to see this ideal to pursue as well.
~
With everything we scattered, with everything really being so fluid, it can feel overwhelming and even threatening. Because nothing matters, outside of what we all believe into.
My shrunken organ of faith and my gradual abandon of civilised righteousness still itch to turn back and radicalise into more fragile solidity.
But the truth is I find solace in this flowing uncertainty of life.
Because I embrace how I’ve always been in a way.
Even further, it can mean in optimistic nihilism that everyone and everything is eternal. I could walk with the soothing belief that everyone I’ve lost, with a little more faith, still remain alongside me in another form. Now and forever, there is a little part of them with me.
Even if all that really remains are memories.
If you really push the fluidity of reality as a concept to its absurd end, you could embrace a belief in this eternity. All of our atoms come from long gone and distant stars. And all of our lost loves linger with us for eternity in subtle ways.
I have a bittersweet titter, because I don’t have such a faith. It’s a soothing idea perhaps in moments when loneliness is unbearable, but a homeopathic stretch too far from how I understand and feel about existence here and its meaning nowadays.
I don’t have such strong beliefs that natural philosophies would dismiss and clash. I do see them as spiritual eventualities nonetheless.
Well, I’m a dreamer. Nokarlık in her own way is far more a pragmatic optimistic and cheerful personality than I’ll ever be.
And today helping here, and having lost someone dear but also my main pressure and fear, I feel rather appeased. The digestion of the grief progresses. I feel simply well since I’ve returned.
I feel like... I’ve won. In an odd way. Not everything I would have desired, but enough to find another peace.
The wind is gone, yet I will live on with good hope for tomorrow.
~
