907. About solace, 5
(Selya)
A cold wind began blowing around me. It pierced me through as if I weren’t there, making me feel the cold all throughout my tissues. It’s coming from ahead like a heavy breathing out.
Albeit when looking around, I noticed the surrounding nature wasn’t reacting as much as I was toward this sinister aquilon. Mostly me in these quiet lands is receptive to this omen.
As I continued to step further into this new summer, on land it felt on the contrary as if I was reaching the depth of winters. Everything seemed to progressively disappear on land, behind this curtain of a horizon, loud and silent.
I had a similar sensation coming out from my tummy sadly. That inner coldness and void, growing no matter what I did. Eroding the serenity and stability of my mind bound to biology before everything else.
I have understood this magical link or chord between me and the source is noxious to me, and also my best chance to help things out there. I’m related to it now, enough to properly do something.
But I mostly feel the similitude toward this void and solitude that seemingly is bound to swallow everything. Thank goodness there are still strong forces and electric fields keeping me together for now.
This northern emotion is not like a void, it is a fountain that radiates in every direction I can see. Mostly the ground where its water seems to sip and disperse, drawing a peculiar image of roots to a tree. It’s growing, endlessly growing.
I don’t feel that in my ribcage. But I can see how this odd tree is growing from the waters spilled.
What will I find at the source still bugs me. The memories I’ve inherited aren’t clear on what it will be.
Sorrowful energy? A dying god on his throne? An alien in a spaceship?
What provoked all this misery since the white day, and cursed me so long I’ve lived... A being, or a thing?
What will I want to do with it once I hold it...
I’m feeling shitty, but my resolve grows firmly otherwise.
I bring my feet steady on the ground, toward these violet skies.
Will I find a being, or an inanimate thing?
~
One of my feet went deep into frozen mud under my weight. The icy layer broke down. I stopped to get my foot out.
Exhaling, I noticed the mist from my breath. It’s nice to see that again, even though it means I’ll suffer from the cold even more onward.
Behind me, the landscape appears endless. I went rather fast through it.
The train wreck is so far behind.
The train... I’m feeling goosebumps and shivers just thinking back about it. Not because of the shitty meetings on top of it, but because of the ride.
It had been my very first travel aboard a train. I hope it won’t be the last.
The wind, the speed, the changing landscapes. The feeling of great kinetic energy below my feet. All my senses were charmed. It’s been so nice.
The dark monster and then the other buttholes were far less enjoyable moments.
Recalling my parricide is just the worse, whether I’m responsible or not... I can’t get over that feeling.
I clenched my clothes nervously, and looked ahead again. This will be mine...
This will be mine...
I walked through empty fields now freezing more and more. Ahead of me are the icy sides of a small mountain, and I can already tell what is behind. I recall seeing the frozen desert beyond, as if I’d been there myself already. Some memories that reached me at some point in the past, they trigger themselves once I reach a familiar portion of them. It’s like bubbles of remembrances from someone else.
Like reading pieces of letters left behind by others, describing places they’ve been to. It’s mostly abstract, until I reach a place where I connect my perception to their memories clearly.
These kinds of insight or relative foresight make me feel better in regard to the immensity of the world. I’m feeling slightly better, realizing I’m not entirely lost in foreign lands gone haywire.
Who still knows of the world ahead anyway?
But these slithers of past and foreign memories reassure me. I know no monster or other human are likely to wait for me... I know I’ve entered the old lands of the Russians for a while now. I’m not entirely clear as to where I am on a map, but I find my way more and more clearly. I’m more surprised at how cold the weather turns lately. There’s even snow falling in the distance. It’s out of season even for here. I’m still very far from the Arctic circle.
I think the source does something to the weather as well, cooling things down.
Maybe a little like I’ve felt inside of me, turning heat into T.I.
Although maybe my perception of time has been damaged and we’re really delving into winter. My new and outgrown perceptions through T.I. relate to each other when it comes to memories of land and general knowledge, but not as much when it comes to time. I can find myself wondering whether it’s day or night when I’m not focusing on normal sight for a while. Maybe my perception of day and night has even regressed.
I wonder how long it has been since I left the train and its bad memories behind?
And these snow I begin walking on, they appear fresh and new from season, not melting nor old. Maybe the climate has changed along the rest of nature, or just as a shroud over this land.
Given that even I can control temperature inside and around of me to some new extents, it’s possible that some other spell out there keeps things colder for some reason.
Again I wonder, whether it’s a living will, or a thing’s normal influence?
Walking still in socks, now beyond repair into this snow, I would normally suffer greatly from the cold.
Thankfully I can cheat and keep my toes and skin warm no matter where they are. It’s the mildest of things from within. I tried summoning shoes like I did Melenna, but they dissolved rapidly on use.
Somehow summoning human like intelligence is easier than sturdy leather to me.
I’m still new to these kinds of physical assemblies, but it’s just a matter of time before I can create anything I wish for now.
So it’s a little dumb but right now, I’m still walking solely wearing socks. Because I can, so I didn’t bother looking for new shoes along the way.
Now there’s a budding curiosity about the extent of the things I could create with this power embedded inside of me. My homunculus is not too shabby, but sturdy shoes, not yet. What should I try next?
I’m a patient one still. This curiosity replaces suffering and catches my attention even more for that reason. It’s a relief to have something else to focus on. I’ll take my time remembering what I have in mind to make thing properly.
I’ll patiently consider as much as I can find. To see again every detail that might help.
To better see what lies ahead, and what I could make of it for myself.
~
