088. Nightmare, 3
For a second or two, I wondered if I was dead. I think I’m not.
I’m drowning in blood and guts. It died on me, over me, I think. I can move a tiny bit. I try to escape.
Someone grabs my hand and tries to pull me out.
It takes painful efforts, but they manage to pull me out from this humongous pile of decaying meat. Another day, another dead body.
~
I feel so weird. I can’t tell anymore how or what I feel. It’s too much. It’s like I’m falling. I can’t control where my body is going. Dark things are clouding my mind. My muscles are twitching without reason here and there.
I’m being pulled away as I’m unable to react for a short while.
Before I realised it, we’re outside, walking rapidly away. Someone is pulling my hand, helping me. I’m unable to react for myself, I need help. I’m burned out.
The sky is clear. The weather is warm. It’s probably a nice English summer day. But it feels like we found ourselves in the middle of enemy territory somehow. The danger is deadly at best, and somewhere between too close, too real, and surreal.
I’m all sticky and the stench makes me nauseous. I can’t look at the sky. The excessive light of day turns weirdly into darkness into my eyes.
The sky turns dark orange when I look at it. The clouds a darker brown. The sun is pitch black.
There’s something wrong with my eyes, or my brain. I feel terribly sad while I look at the sun for a second.
I think it’s dangerous for me to look at the sky for now.
I think we’re walking alongside a road. I see birds flying. Their colours keep changing?
I moan. Something in my stomach is too painful. I release it violently. It hurts my throat. It’s like lumps of flesh that I wouldn’t have masticated and swallowed whole. I don’t remember eating any meat lately.
Why is this happening to me? I feel intoxicated. I felt so brave for a minute a moment ago. Now I feel like I’m dying of poison and sickness and I’m giving up.
I tell them. I let go of the hand that turns black and yellow. I don’t understand what they’re saying. They try to hold me. I try to escape but I can’t understand what I see anymore, nor their voices.
I’m powerless and can’t shake them off. I think I cried. They’re not letting me go.
I faint. I’ve lost myself.
~
I hear rain falling, far away. I can’t move. I see nothing.
I feel awful enough to collapse again. All my body parts hurt. It feels as if my whole being had been turned to shreds, and each small piece tortured differently before being all sown back together.
I can almost feel the stitches in my sore flesh.
I realise that I’m on the verge of losing my mind for good. I’m really scared.
The dizziness softens a bit over time. I hear the rain outside. The air is a bit damp and cold, but I’m neither. I don’t understand why.
I slowly realise that the darkness I look at is a wooden ceiling. I’m lying on a bed of some sort, only I’m tied tight. I can’t escape.
Oddly, it doesn’t scare me as much as the fact that I could soon lose my mind.
My sanity seems so frail right now… I don’t know what is important anymore. What is?
I cough. There’s a horrible smell coming from my mouth, I think.
I see the little girl’s face above me. I try to push it away but my body is caught by the ties.
I think she talks to me, but I cannot figure out what she might be saying. I can’t really understand what my body replies either. She leaves.
I see her face again. She smiles. She smirks. Her eyes are strange. There’s too much blood in them. There’s the monster in her, using her, just there. She, It, makes a sign to invite me to stay quiet.
Then the monster recedes in the shadow, still smirking with contempt.
What was that?
I’m waiting. A long time, but lying down for a while isn’t so bad. I rest for a while.
I think someone makes me drink some water. Then I sleep again.
A gunshot and shouts wake me up suddenly. It’s not raining anymore, and there is more light around.
The girl comes to me again. My body still aches of pushing her away instinctively. I don’t want to look at her sad face again. Something awful floods my mind. I can’t prevent it.
She unties me. The first thing I do is to slap her for no reason. She steps back, looking more scared than in pain.
I want to slap her again and again, but this time I manage to control myself; barely, but I do.
I give her a half fake apology, though I’m still not sure of what I have occurring in my mind.
Charlotte begins to sob and runs away. It looks like we are in a house that burned at some point before and was abandoned afterward.
Something moves in a shadow. I think I recognise her face again.
Her voice echoes through my head painfully.
- That was mean of you mother. Oh that pain was so mean of you...
I see her face in the shadows. Bleeding. Smirking. I rub my face and eyes with my hands. My head hurts as if it was burning.
Why do I see her? Is this still real? Or just my mind?
I still feel as if needles were flowing through my blood, prickling me everywhere from inside.
I feel furious. I can feel something disgusting growing inside of me.
And I hate feeling powerless against this growth.
I need air...
I go outside.
~
