306. The blue rose, 7
(Bleue)
It wasn’t a good idea...
Though putting it on myself instead would have been even worse I believe.
It was supposed to be a harmless wish. I didn’t think this through. Not enough. I misjudged, now it’s too late and I can’t undo it.
Sex and my periods led me back to think about what I am. A woman. And what I could have. Children.
Why not? But I want hers then.
I’m too stupid.
My heart hurts. How could I repair what I’ve done now?
Removing it? The harm’s been done anyway, and the chance it gives would be lost. So what?
I’m wandering through the offices of this resort, getting lost in this jungle of dust, pierced by sunlight coming through the windows.
For us to go on living together is a given. To travel as we want too is normal.
But as living beings...
As women, with love for each other; for us to make children seemed almost logical to me.
Rose scared me. I shocked her beyond what I expected, and she scared me in return.
A part of her is able to kill with her bare hands if needs to, just to survive, when she feels threatened in her identity.
I just had a bare glimpse of that raw aspect of her, I guess...
The world we travel through is mostly void of life and threats. But some of it is pretty wild and violent, and hard to predict. I don’t want to wait, because whatever the future holds for us is unpredictable. Anything could come at almost any day, including the worst.
Maybe if we stopped travelling and settled somewhere safe, things could remain a little more stable.
I don’t think Rose really has any plan for the future.
She’s lost without me, or without someone to love, to give purpose to her existence.
When I die, if she has a child with her, she will continue to thrive.
If I die without leaving anything behind, all that she will be left with are daiûas.
And daiûas will trick her into despair until she dies horribly.
There will be nothing to save her.
Rose needs to have more than just me in her life.
And so do I.
I have Ana at least. She has Zeslinry, maybe. I don’t think she really have a lot of affection for her. Not that much. They’re good friends for sure, and Rose is acting kind with her, but that’s about it.
Rose is... unable to live alone for too long. Her mind wanders around dangerous paths too easily if left alone.
If only she had not been traumatised. I’m sure she would have come to understand that having a child was a good idea for her.
I like this idea, and the desire too. I have this instinctive desire to reproduce. I don’t know really if it’s the human part of my patchwork origins speaking, but I certainly hope so.
We all live because at least one of our parents wanted to enjoy sex or to reproduce.
It’s obvious, but trying to think what my parents felt and thoughts at that fateful time is a little... unsettling. Albeit crucial.
My parents already had three daughters.
I’m imagining what they could have thought or said to each other, before and while making love.
Did they guess I would be born?
Because I was a little retarded as a child, I never had the chance to ask them. But from what I know, I think they wanted a child for real.
Without any clue of what I would be, they had me born.
That was bold.
Why can’t Rose be that bold?
I’m sure she could have a wonderful offspring.
We just have to mate, that’s all.
Love will come after.
I know she would enjoy reading or retelling stories to any children we could have, or find.
We never met any children younger than Myls. Yet again, we never met any other survivors at all.
I mean, come on Rose. We won’t be travelling the world for ever. In fifty years at most, we will die, and for good this time. And it’s very likely that it won’t take us that long for either of us to meet the big one.
It would make so much sense to have children!
I don’t really see any other good way ahead...
~
I found Rose with Ana a while later in the weird evergreen park. Rose is talking to her, confiding things. Ana listens carefully and even nods at times. It’s surreal, but it makes me happy to see that.
Rose notices me stepping in. She sighs, looking tired, and old. Older than yesterday as if years were gone in an instant. She doesn’t react as I step a little closer, but I’m careful not to get too close right away.
B - I’m sorry Rose.
She sighs, looking at something in the grass over her right shoulders, away from me.
B - If you had a second chance, at life, what would you do?
She looks back at me for a second, puzzled, confused. It’s the kind of questions that shatters her mind. She’s too romantic, I’m too pragmatic. Well... Not all the time.
R - Given it’s my third or fourth life, depending on how you want to count it, I don’t really know what to reply.
B - Are all the roses currently alive like that too? What would you do first if you had another chance at everything?
R - I don’t know...
I go to hold her hands as gently as I can, kneeling before her.
She’s not pushing me away, but I can tell she’s feeling very uneasy. I’m begging.
B - I would try to do as much as I can with you again.
She doesn’t seem to react.
B - All the daiûas around us have made a game out of our lives and especially yours Rose. But now that we’re free... Now that there is no promise of another life after death; no more ploy to keep you and I acting in their plays in the next hundred years... Now that it’s really just us, as we once dreamt... What future would you see? How would you imagine the best ending to our story?
Rose looks scared, and sad. Her hands become sweaty as a cloud of sadness suddenly dragged her down.
What can Rose imagine at all? What I’m asking her to think about is really painful for her.
R - What end for our tale?
B - Yes. What could it be?
R - Ah... A...
I pull her to walk a few steps, holding her hand and helping her remain steady. She was about to collapse, her mind blank. I’m sorry I’m putting you through this again...
B - You don’t have to come up with an answer right away. We still have a long journey ahead, don’t we?
R - ... Yes...
I hold her cold hand as if she had been the lonely child.
~
