260. About sex, 6
I drifted from a sea of anguish to another in that nightmare, until I was too tired and numb to react.
Some time passed I could tell. I don’t know how long, but I could tell it had been more than a night; and that I wasn’t waking up as I should have earlier.
As I finally woke up, I felt very tired. I was exhausted and hungry.
Bleue was humming close to me, sitting on a stone. She was reading a book.
She said she liked how it talked. That it was admirably funny. She saw that I was waking up and turned toward me.
B - ‘‘Awake fairest. Thy lover is near. He... She, who would give her life but to obtain one look of affection from thine eyes; my beloved, awake!’’
At least she’s better than Blume at poetry. But I really have no ear for it...
She takes hold of one of my ankles suddenly. My heartbeat begins to rise very noticeably. It hurts. She lets it go.
B - Your phobia has become worse... Whenever I touch your skin now, you have an allergic reaction. Your skin turns red, and your lungs panic.
R - I’m sorry...
B - Why are you apologising?
Her voice is sharp. She’s angry.
B - Why are you so obsessed with skinship? And so afraid?
B - What is wrong with you?
My heart breaks a little more and tears begin to flow out in silence. I cover my eyes with my arm as I sob in shame and pain.
B - Rose. Tell me before it kills you. Remember your promise.
My promise... My vow...
I must have stood silent for a long time, because Bleue suddenly stands up and parts in anger.
B - Fine. Don’t. This means nothing from me can reach you anymore...
She’s about to step out from the room, which I don’t recognise. She stands there for a moment, and then changes her mind.
Bleue wipes a few tears and comes back next to me. She kneels beside me and gets closer.
Her hands come to touch my shoulders. I can feel the rash on my skin and my breath becoming suddenly painful and scarce.
B - Goodbye my love.
She kisses me, which feels like agony to me. It pains me in more ways than I can count.
Disgust and nausea rise anew within me.
Her lips are sticky as she recedes. Bleue looks pained as well.
B - I love you wretch... No matter how miserable you may feel, my happiness is with you.
She’s calling me wretch... Mary is calling me wretch...
Her hands come to lie on my breast. It feels painful.
Wretch... She grabs my cold and clammy hands, and brings them to her soft neck. My fingers are held now again the skin of her neck, as she now sits over me.
She’s tearing up as well.
Seeing my hands around her neck makes my heart die again in sharp acidic stains. I’m gritting my teeth trying to bear what I can’t.
She’s holding my hands around her neck. Breathing is torture.
B - I love you wretch... What you think you’ve become... No, what you’ve become, let’s not deny what you feel... I will accept it. You can tell me, and you can show me. You can touch me...
I can’t think.
B - Show me, for I love you and I cannot let thy suffer this anymore. Tell me, guilt or other, for your tale of misery I want to share the burden...
My hands, my fingers, are sweaty and twitching. My mind is already gone.
I always caressed the hopeful dream of being a gentle and benevolent being, such as my kind mother. A woman gentle enough to show me motherly affection, to me, the orphan, the outcast, as her own first daughter.
And after...
I’m about to break down. I’ll defile you Bleue... I’ll hurt you so much...
I am my old nightmare incarnate. When I see my desire. When I touch skin. When I want sex.
When I want this melting with another one, it reveals the monster I cursed every gods, heaven and Earth, for being...
My fingers are fusing with the skin of her neck and I can feel the flow of her warmth inside. It’s my poison.
I was...
R - I was... too young... Ten... Maybe even younger...
~
All I see is dark, the oppressive heat is smothering me.
The pain of my dislocating body, my transformation into a monster.
The putrid smell of life.
Chaos beyond my disappearing body. Ropes of dark muscles across an unending room of blood and entrails.
Hell where the essence of raw life dominates and sprouts like wild grass.
The miracle of creation should have followed the butchery of hell over the world.
I was no longer anyway.
I fainted when I saw my ravaged mother holding this long needle. Her face was that of despair I brought them.
Hell and pain... Feel them, say these words, picture them, picture them a thousand fold, feel them as you drink boiling water, over and over again, until it leaves your body boiling as well.
And because it is a long gone distant past, I can’t let it last again as long in this recollection.
It must end.
Back then, it didn’t seem it would, time disappeared along. And reminiscences, ruminations, made it last and return unending like a sea.
I couldn’t speak or think anymore when it was.
I was the wretch.
I had become the fiend bringing misery to my family.
As I grew up over that, the nightmare became a part of my body and persona.
Only I tried to make the rose blossom over it, to hide the body its roots took from.
My ideal rose, to blend with humans I was no longer.
To live happy.
To honour our affectionate blue rose...
Because that sweet dream was so much more appealing than reality...
~
I don’t know if my tale made sense, but Bleue listened to it very intensely.
Why I can’t touch her. Less and less as our love would grow.
Because sex and violence are one to me.
Passions and confusion are a painful sea. I’m too scared to see it with you.
Bleue has wet eyes. Still holding my hands in hers, though trembling.
She’s the face of misery now. Woe is me...
Mary, to see I could bring you such misery I could die.
My rashes are gone.
My sudden allergy is passed.
Probably because all is sorrow now, replacing fear, I guess.
The flames of desire just sunk in Bleue’s tears.
I’m sad.
~
