1182. About melancholia, 9
(Armylè)
Elyne received another visit another day. She had a jolt hearing the noise.
For once, she had less of the usual pain that came from returning to reality. Recalling her loss might become milder of a suffering lately.
She also had faint memories of the strangest dream. The angels... She couldn’t remember, but she felt that she had encountered them as well. Some lingering memories of them still lingered and scattered.
Nevertheless, returning to reality, it took her a moment to realise what was happening. A few moments of daze before she could recover her senses and understanding of her surroundings.
She managed to stand up, to wear something roughly, and to go open the door.
It was Maya. They barely recognised each other. Elyne was still foggy, her mind mostly in other places. Maya couldn’t recognise the neglected and tired looking friend he looked up to.
He was rather shocked and imposed a little of help. She wasn’t able to discuss much anyway. He wasn’t going to abandon her like that.
Similarly to me, he first aired the place. Elyne couldn’t realise the weird smell that had turned heavy in her flat. He sent her to wash herself while he would clean the place a little. Elyne was puzzled about what was going on, but complied without much trouble.
Maya sighed in relief when he heard the water from the shower in the distance. He went to clear the floor from anything that was lying messily. He felt he had been right to come, because his best friend was in worst shape than he had expected.
He too was shocked to see Elyne’s legendary strength seemingly gone, molten away. He didn’t recognise her with confidence like I would. He only saw the familiar look to her friend over this hollow looking shell. Not the Elyne he had always known.
He had felt powerless and sad losing Prume, now he felt obliged to help Elyne instead.
I had cleaned the place before, but it had turned messy again. He spent a long time clearing and cleaning everything as well.
Elyne remained under the shower meanwhile. She was absent minded and losing focus.
She looked at the flowing water along her hair and between her fingers. Her body was normal. Her mind was reminded of the other one reaching out from the other side of the dreams, like past angels...
She felt as if parts of her mind and soul were dissolved and washed away by the water. Something odd accompanied this feeling for her, when the showers were too warm or too long.
Darker droplets fell from her forehead, diluting below. She didn’t quite notice, as she felt nauseous for other reasons. Another pain rose inside of her.
Prume’s face was still haunting her, even if it was a little milder than before.
She felt the loneliness hurting her further. It was harder to breathe. It was still a struggle to accept the truth and relinquish the fantasies of seeing her again.
Elyne was slow to move, feeling still broken down and defeated.
Maya called her. She had her head resting against the wall, under the waterfall. She didn’t react immediately. It took her a long minute to understand before she could reply.
She was still there...
With further efforts, without strength but still some will to do, Elyne managed to finish cleaning herself, drying her skin and putting some clothes again. Her movements had been more reflexes than thoughtful actions, but that was good anyway.
Maya was sitting there, reading something while waiting.
Elyne’s hair had grown longer than ever, reaching her knees. It made a curtain covering her face and back. First a little surprised, Maya helped her to sit and arrange her hair into something more practical.
He then worked to feed her something. She still looked mostly absent.
Maya had to ask his question repeatedly before he got an answer. What did she want to eat? After mumbling a few incoherent things, Elyne eventually replied. Some life returned to her eyes. She looked surprised again.
She couldn’t quite recall when was the last time she ate something.
Her memories in this situation were still mostly foggy.
But as time passed, as the wounds slowly turned more mild, she was able to recover the capacity to answer.
So she did, and Maya smiled.
~
Maya was the right son of his cheerful family. Always enthusiastic and smiling. Optimistic, even after Prume’s passing. They all had been hurt, they felt sincerely for us. But they were less emotionally dramatic than we were, and more easily got over it. He had all the empathy of the world, and still good priorities and pragmatism.
While frailer souls collapsed under pain, more resilient people and intelligent minds sailed over them like waves.
My daughters were gifted for many things, but certainly not a stronger emotional stability than mine.
That was a given for our family since old history.
Maya returned with a fruits basket and offered it on the table. Elyne sitting there appeared to wake up and thanked him. Something was returning. She was still mostly lost in odder mazes hard to decipher, but she was slowly returning.
He helped her eat and move around when she felt weak. She had lost most of her presence and energy. It was hard for Maya to recognise the woman with the strength to break bones and walls alike through sheer physical superiority. He was hopeful she would come back.
Elyne at least would resurrect someday.
Softer than me, he shared the same perspective.
Elyne didn’t tear up meanwhile, still in her floating daze most of the time. She appreciated the help from her friend. It was nicer to speak with him than with all these odd dreams. That helped her breathe a little more gentle reality.
Not all was pain outside, and the balance would gradually slide toward that end again.
She didn’t need to forget Prume, only to repair enough capacity to overcome that sadness. All help was welcome, and Maya brought a small truce to her inner turmoil.
Elyne felt these things and struggled to reconnect the logical and pragmatic machines behind. It would take a while longer for beasts like us. Not hopeless, just longer.
She rebuilt her sensible perspective of reality out of this emotional collapse.
Step by step, she was rebuilding longer thoughts out of this chaos.
Elyne was rebuilding herself slowly.
Elyne looked like a partially absent minded doll currently, requiring maintenance and support. A hand holding hers to move on was welcome help. Me and Maya were there for that with endless patience and care. And we respected her enough so that we didn’t hinder her progress along the way.
The drama was slowly ripped in smaller fragments she could bite and digest.
Elyne was seeing colours again. Her eye looked a little brighter, closer to normal.
The long time she had spent in colourless world was ending.
The cloud around her heart and paralysing most complex thoughts was fading. She could review her thoughts with more depth. Elyne didn’t abandon anything but was able to put things back in perspective. Awareness was being rebuilt in multiple layers of the building.
There was still a lake of foggy sadness, but some things returned to being sturdy.
She wouldn’t drown anymore. She would be able to swim to shore and explore this amorphous depth more steadily.
She had to finish her rebirth down there. In her emotional mess.
Maya held his cheerful fundamental in check, to avoid smothering her. He remained calm, letting Elyne live her own way. In this space, now cleaner, they could see how much she had lost and sacrificed after Prume’s wound was made to her heart.
Parts returned.
Elyne recovered thoughts and steadiness. Tastes returned.
She had dislocated her entire self, vainly, trying to hold onto something impossible. It had felt natural at the time, but now she could begin to realise how wrong and pointless it all was. She had just tortured herself...
Now feeling like a regretful child, she could see a little better that, with trembling and empty hands.
Her eye got clearer again. The unbearable suffering turned to comprehensive sadness. Nothing impossible to bear anymore perhaps.
Elyne had lost something that had felt being everything.
And giving up on that had teared up apart.
But it was all in her emotional head.
A dream staining simpler reality, colouring simpler truths until it hid them entirely.
Now she was cleaning the awful dream slowly away.
No one would blame her.
Her love, would never kill her. Death didn’t matter.
Her life... did not matter.
Elyne would never turn cynical anytime soon, but she was beginning to bring some pragmatic sense of balance back to her existence.
She cried again. Now from simpler sadness to evacuate.
No longer from the paranoid nightmare that had ensued grief immediately, and swallowed her entirely.
She could see the end of the rain.
Elyne could start sighing some relief.
She could begin seeing some light after the rain.
The inner storm in her teacup of emotional brain was finally calming.
Elyne looked around her, and saw the room, and then the lights and shapes outside. She was back. Not everything solved just yet, but with good progress.
E - Maya...
He was startled and looked at her with a kind smile. She had finally realised he was there.
M - Oh... I’m happy you’re speaking again. What’s up?
E - I... I think I need to go outside for a little while.
M - I understand. I’ll be there, take your time.
E - Thank you...
Elyne picked up a jacket and went outside for a walk.
~
