1180. About nostalgy, 6
(Armylè)
A - Elyne...
My daughter was self-depreciating, muttering depressing thoughts.
She was feeling miserable.
A - You’re wrong Elyne. You are strong, and admirable. You will live. And you are beautiful to me.
Elyne was still sensitive to her mother’s praise and affection somewhere, still.
She was still puzzled by my praises. She wasn’t in a state where she could really hear and believe them.
I brought more clothes over her shoulders. I combed the knots in her hair. I smiled a little.
Elyne raised a pleading look toward me. Sorrowful eyes toward my smile. I could still smile, with light confidence that doesn’t need to overact.
I have faith in you, even if you don’t understand why.
A - You can’t see the same colours as I. Don’t worry about that... I’m not suffering the same way you do. Of course I miss her too. But I still see you. And you’re still beautiful no matter the pain you’re going through. Even if you’re at your weaker currently, you are fundamentally beautiful, and strong. This experience won’t change your nature. And you will win... I know it.
E - You... You always trust me. I don’t understand why.
A - We spoke about this before, do you remember? It’s more than trust. It’s my faith.
Elyne had washed her face and mouth. She was wearing enough clothing to look reasonably civilised now.
She held herself a little better, parts of the dizziness now passing. She was still mostly averting her gaze from me, still feeling pain.
E - I don’t deserve such trust... I’m... lost cause.
It hurts a mother hearing that. Even if I know it’s not true. I got closer to give her more solace since that is all she needs right now.
A - You may not see it, but I still do. Because I have a more fair point of view.
E - Because we outgrew you?
A - Yes. You live by your choices and me by mine.
I poked her nose and cheeks, annoying her a little but lighting the mood.
She complained about how powerless and desperate she was a little more. Sad whispers.
I repeated that she was not going to abandon and die here and now.
She doubted me one more time.
How could I keep saying so with such insurance, even though I held my daughter in such pitiful state? She raised her pleading eye one more time.
I’m still the early pillar to her life, and my voice remains as of a previous god.
A - I trust you. You never failed my confidence... I know you will live on many years, because you are too strong and obstinate to end here and now.
~
What happened afterward was less meaningful. I helped her a little further cleaning her space and making her some easy to digest food.
Time passed and I eventually left her to rest.
On the way back I met up with my old friend Samanthine.
She saw that I was looking more tired than usual. It had been weighing on me as well.
Being mothers was a thing. Caring for someone in trouble was natural.
Elyne’s torment made me cry too in sympathy. It’s hard sometimes...
Samanthine supported me as always. We walked together for a while.
A - It’s... alright. She doesn’t need my help that much. She fell asleep soon after.
S - Are you sure we can leave her on her own? Furthermore if she thinks she can hear her sister...
A - It’s okay. She knows it’s not real. Elyne just... needs to take her time. Here or elsewhere, it wouldn’t change much. She’ll find her way. We’re taught how to process grief, but it still is challenging when it’s the real thing. I gave her all I could provide.
S - I’ll tell Maya to come cheer her up. He probably can as well.
A - Good idea, but give it a few days. She needs a little time.
S - And what about you?
I sighed. My sad smile replied before my words.
A - How to say... Prume... I’m happy I’ve had her with me, for that while. Her life was real happiness for mine. It’s selfish as she suffered a lot, but it’s true...
S - It’s good not to have regrets.
A - Only some sorrow. I loved her so much. And for herself, I’m so sorry I couldn’t help her reach better happiness, or longer. I wished for infinite kindness to reach her.
S - Always poetic, aren’t you?
I chuckled. That’s how I live. That’s how my daughters made me live.
A - Didn’t you find them poetic?
S - They worried me rather... But I guess you’re right too.
A - Thank you Sam...
We parted ways and I returned home. The air was cold, but I didn’t mind.
I still brushed my eyes and cheeks. I washed my face as well. My skin ages though my heart remains.
I’m alright... I’m still feeling a little dizzy and light, as if floating.
Oddly, that moment with my tired daughter gave me back some strength. Probably because beneath the skin, bones and remaining muscles, there’s still this infinite vigour. That’s her.
It was reassuring for me, to see through all the veils this ember still smouldering.
Oh yes, it’s still there and warming.
I sat alone and sighed again.
I thought about what Cheryl had told me.
That won’t do for me. That won’t be for Elyne either.
Elyne will rise up again someday, but not thanks to this political brewing. Cheryl is on a very different path.
For Elyne it will simply come slowly after winter, as time eases all.
~
