090. Decision, 4
I went outside to urinate. It was painful. I think I’m getting sick.
Because I don’t hear anything but my footsteps, I wander a bit around.
We’re in small woods. The farm was abandoned and the grass went wild. It turned into these young woods. In the distance, I can see the small path joining the road, and even further, what looks like the house from before.
I must have lost it when we reached the road in the distance. Fruya heard me scream and came to help Ann.
I shiver. What am I becoming?
I hear a whisper. I turn around, expecting to see the demon again.
There is naught but woods and the house. I hear a rustle. I go toward it. It’s a bit further, below. A part of the woods is one story lower. There is a lot of light entering there. Something strange is moving and moaning. I hear a metallic sound and see a hand. I quickly get closer as I think someone is in danger, but not one involving a monster. A struggle?
I find the girl being held down. Alan is trying to rape her.
My blood boils as I realise it. Before he noticed that I was there, I’ve grabbed the sword lying against a rock.
I put my left hand against the skinny shoulder. I think he is in her. I clench my teeth. I hold his back and plunge the blade in his back. I hear the hard flesh being ripped with difficulties. I have to force the blade through his chest.
I hear a laugh and childish cries altogether.
I can’t move. The blade is stuck between the bones I think.
I feel someone softly wrapping my back, drenched with cold sweat. Little hands come softly, one finger at a time, over my shoulders.
I feel that weight and that chin against a shoulder. A cheek comes close to mine. I can’t move. Alan and Charlotte don’t either, as if time had stopped. I feel as if things go slowly.
It’s her. It’s It. She smirks, her empty eyes harbouring dry blood and darkness. She whispers me things I don’t like and brushes her dry cold lips against my cheek.
- You enjoyed it, didn’t you? Oh I’m so proud of you twisted mother. Here, let me help you.
Her arms covered with black flesh reach my hands, and help me pushing the sword inside the young boy. She rips his torso apart and laughs. I still can’t move. Blood spills everywhere. He is falling on his side, very slowly. The blade comes out a bright crimson of rust covered in blood.
- You did so good. I’m proud of you. Here, you saved her, and oh, ooh, you deliciously killed that boy again.
I can’t move. I want to move. I want to run. I can’t breathe. I barely see anymore. I can only hear and feel her. I don’t want to listen to her.
- Now she is all yours at last. You’re free to kill her like the other. Or you’re free to rape her just for yourself. You know you want to, don’t you? Oh, please go.
Go ahead, have some pleasure after all your pain. Now is the only chance. You can do to her all that made you jealous and envious. Crush her, eat her, consume her. Make her all yours, body and soul, for ever and ever…
~
I lose sight of everything. My sight shut down. I’m sweating.
Wales of darkness and malice are swimming around me and inside my mind. Revenge.. I’m scared of this evil shapeless nameless thing that is eating me from within.
I’m feeling disgusting warmth all over. I’m melting, falling in hell. My consciousness is collapsing within.
~
I suddenly wake up. I feel my cold sweat covering all my skin. I’m still standing where I was before. I’m trembling so much that I trip and fall. The sword falls against Alan’s rotting corpse.
Charlotte is crying, obviously scared and panicking. But not because of me, as she just ran to me, to hold me like a mother. I’m as scared as her.
She helps me to sit, and holds me tight to sob against my breast like any traumatised child would.
I’m scared to move. I’m scared to listen to what I truly want. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to listen to that monster.
I meekly try to reassure the child, though I’m truly unsure of myself. But I..
There is a mixture of what I like and dislike about her.. I live with paradoxes. I’m not sure of where my lust goes, but I don’t want to hurt her..
I remember when I slapped her. I don’t know anymore. I’m drowning in chaos and anarchy lately. Can I have her? There are only two more persons to kill, Fruya and her mother..
But I feel so bad, I feel so awful already. How monstrous would I become, were I to fulfil every of my twisted envies?
Maybe it’s because I’m feeling like I’m losing my mind lately. I fell. Badly enough to seriously consider turning into an immoral being, only obeying its desires in an egotistical hubris.
I’ve always been so virtuous and moral. Why am I so tempted to ruin myself with primal desires?
I feel so last and so frail. I’m crying over her shoulder too.
That demon almost for the better of me. I feel so ashamed I could die…
~
My womb feels warm. I don’t like it, but I have to admit that she was a bit right. I have strange lust. I got a bit excited at the time.
My raw being is twisted and dangerous. But I’m civilised. I’m educated. If I’ve never been cleansed, at least I have enough education and discipline to behave myself properly.
I don’t usually give in to weird temptations. Today I was weaker than usual.
Even if I somehow didn’t fully dislike doing that to have her for myself, I only saved her.
Nothing more. I must forget everything else. I must not let that demon get another grip on my occasional wild thoughts.
The forbidden dreams must stay where they are.
At any cost.
So I should leave.
Ann can shoot. The other one is surely resourceful. They can make it on their own. Charlotte will be safer without me and that devil in my shadow, so close to her. I want to touch her, and I want to prevent myself from doing so.
We’re going back toward the house. We hold hands, but it’s actually her that is helping me to walk.
I tell her that I’m sorry about her sister all of a sudden. She gives me a surprised look, and tells me she has no sister.
I stop walking because I don’t understand. Who was with us then?
Nobody, she hesitantly says.
Rather than feeling relieved I did not kill a child, I’m scarred of what this means about me. I must leave.
I want her.
I let go of her hand abruptly. I tell her to go back to Ann and never leave her again.
She smirks an awful way like the other one, and obeys. She leaves me there.
~
