Chapter Four University -My Wonderful University Days-
After I entered university, Mayuko started going out with Keisuke. The two of them went along with each other, and I was happy for them. However, I felt kind of left out. I don’t have many other friends and they were always flirting with each other.
“Can you believe it? They were holding hands during class.”
I heard such rumors, but I didn’t have the courage to defend them.
What was I going to do from now on ? Will I be able to marry? First, I need to make a boyfriend...
One night, Mayuko gave me a phone call. “Mikako, I broke up with Keisuke. He was cheating on me.”
I thought so. At the same time, I felt very sorry for Mayuko.
“Are you all right? Should I go to your house?”
“Yes, please come.”
That night, I had a sleepover at Mayuko’s house, and we talked about boys all night long. That they were plain idiots and we didn’t need them and so on.
I knew that Mayuko was doing her best to stay calm. I wanted to support her as a friend, although somewhere inside, I felt glad to have Mayuko back.
However, a girl named Tomoka came and our friendship was torn once again.
“Mayuko, you are very cute. Can I exchange Email addresses with you?”
I didn’t like Tomoka very much. She was mean towards me and nice to Mayuko.
When I asked, “Where’s the next classroom?” she simply said,”Search for it youself.” Then she grabbed Mayuko’s arm and said, “ Let’s go to lunch, Mayuko.”
Mayuko was obviously troubled.
After that, I ate by myself every day. Sometimes, I wanted to cry. However, I didn’t. That would be too embarrassing.
Then a boy named Yohei came to me and we started eating lunch together.
Yohei was tall, athletic and smart.
“Do you want to go to the movies?” He asked me.
I decided this was the right timing to ask him out, so I said awkwardly, “Um, Yohei, there’s something that I want to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“Um... I... think I am in love with you. Will you go out with me?”
Oh no. I said it straightforwardly.
Yohei smiled and said, “Of course.”
In university, I was able to make my first boyfriend. Now I didn’t have to worry about getting lonely again.
We went to many places together. Shibuya, Roppongi, Sakuragicho... At first, it was wonderful.
“Let’s marry and have kids and live by the sea in the future.”
“That’s a great idea! I love the ocean!
In my heart, I thought, 'I love you, Yohei,' but I couldn’t say it out loud. That would be too embarrassing.
However, soon I started fearing that I might lose him.
“Sorry, I have a part time job today, so I can’t see you.”
“That’s all right. Good luck with your job!”
I hated myself for not being able to show him my anger. But that was just a part of my personality.
Finally, he broke up with me.
“I’m sorry but I started getting unsure about whether you truly liked me or not.”
“I’m sorry too.”
I couldn’t say anything more than that, when there were many things I wanted to tell him in my heart.
The more you love somebody, the more painful it is to break up. I couldn’t go to school for a week. Mayuko said to me, “It may be difficult now, but you’ll get better.”
It was nice to have a friend like her.
However, Mayuko was taken away from me by Tomoka... In order to make new friends and become a star, I went to the United States by myself.
I quit university and entered a school for people who desired to become a star in the U.S.
Rather than a singer, I wanted to become an actress. I also wanted to be a model.
In America, my job interview went like this.
“So why did you want to become a star?”
“I can become famous and I thought it was just right for me.”
“Why did you think so?”
“I’m good at expressing my feelings.”
”Then can you show i?”
”Um…”
I wasn’t at all prepared, so all I could do was laugh nervously. Of course, I was not accepted.
I felt that the people working for the society were admirable. I also felt very pitiful about myself.
I had to give up my dream and go back to Japan.
I needed to go to university again.
I was very depressed.
“I bet you can become a star, Mikako.”
A person who encouraged me in such way appeared. We met in a cram school. We were aiming to take entrance exams for universities. He was a very reliable person.
“I hope so.”
“You should shout to the sea that you want to be a star.”
So, the boy named Ryo and I went to the sea.
We splashed in the ocean wearing bathing suits. First we were just playing around, but we realized we couldn’t shout in such a crowded area.
We found a spot that was like a private beach.
“Okay, go on and scream.”
“I can’t. It’s too embarrassing.”
“I’ll scream after you.”
Reluctantly, I ran toward the sea, shouting, “I swear I’m going to be a star!!! Aah!!!” I turned around and Ryo was laughing a bit.
“Okay, it’s your turn.”
“All right.”
Ryo ran toward the sea, shouting, “I’m going to become a doctor and make Mikako happy!” and went pretty far.
“Ryo! I got it, so you can come back now!” I shouted, and Ryo came back, grinning.
We went to the beach shore laughing, and laid down. I never had more fun in my life.
Soon we sat down together and saw the sunset.
“So you want to be a doctor, huh? It may be hard work, but I wish you good luck.”
We held hands. His hand was warm.
“Mikako, I don’t intend to load any pressure on you. You should do anything you want to do.”
When he said that, I never felt more flattered in my whole life.
After that, I did music recitals and worked as a model, and was able to earn some money.
Ryo made me stronger.
However, it was difficult for me to become what I most wanted to be, which was an actress.
When I was small, my voice was large and I could show my emotions, but now my voice was small and since I became shy, I couldn’t show my emotions so overtly.
I had a talk with my mother, and she said, “You should throw away your feelings of embarrassment.”
It’s too late, but maybe I should have become a teacher or something.
Will Ryo stay with me or will he run away like Yohei?
One day, I went to the park and met Tomoka standing by a lake with her dog. I thought about leaving, but I walked toward her and called, “Tomoka.”
Tomoka looked at me with surprise.
“What’s wrong?”
“... I was thinking about a dog I lost here a long time ago. His name was Lucky. He and this dog, Vicky, were playing on this lake when it was icy. Suddenly, the ice under Lucky broke, and since he couldn’t swim, he died,” Tomoka spoke sadly.
I was in loss for words. I used to dislike Tomoka, but now I felt sorry for her.
“Why are you always so kind to everybody, Mikako?”
“What do you mean?”
“I feel jealous of people who are kind. They get loved by everybody. I know I can’t be like that.”
“Loved by everybody?”
“You didn’t have to come to me, standing by this lake, but you did and listened to my problems. Mikako, I’m so sorry...”
Tomoka was crying.
I patted Tomoka’s arm and said, “That’s okay,” but realized I should show my feelings more honestly, and added, “I did feel hurt by your actions. But you must have had your reasons. Let’s be friends from now on.”
Tomoka cried louder and nodded.
“I’m going to go shopping with Mayuko. Do you want to come?”
“I'd love to. ”
In this way, we made up.
Ryo got in the medical faculty and kept on going out with me.
My sister’s marriage ceremony was coming. My sister and her husband made a wonderful couple. I wanted to become like that.
I suppose it’s important not to think too much about the future and keep moving forward every day.
I played a lot during my twenties.
Now, I am twenty-four, and I feel shame towards myself for not having a job. I wanted to get married with Ryo, but he was still a student...
“Don’t worry, Ryo will stay nice to you.” Mayuko told me. Mayuko was also getting married soon.
“Please tell us when you get married. We’re looking forward to it,” Tomoka said.
I still couldn’t forgive Tomoka completely. And I felt a little mad at Mayuko for always being with Tomoka instead of me. However, I couldn’t tell them my true feelings and hided them inside my heart.
What does it mean to move forward? What are true friendships? What does it mean to wait?
I thought about many things while I did my part-time job and went to cooking classes.
I could no longer trust my friends. Ryo was the only person I had left. That was why I wanted to treasure my relationship with Ryo.
“What do you like about me?”
“I love everything about you, Mikako.”
I felt satisfied by that answer. I was willing to wait forever for Ryo.
I’ve always been a troublesome girl. Had I lived in the wrong way?
However, as my mother says, “We can only do what we can do now.”
I was also grateful towards my father for paying for my school fees.
I was glad Ryo was a kind person like my father.
