Doogie Howser, Greek Mythology, and Insults Published
Essay: Doogie Howser, Greek Mythology, and Insults
Published: June 27, 2025
⸻
Preface
The second half of this piece shifts from Greek mythology to complaints about a University of Tokyo professor.
Apparently, they want to project the attitude of, “I’m a genius, so I can’t understand what a mere ordinary person like Panda is thinking.”
To which I say: Go take a good look in the mirror, you fool.
⸻
Main Text
The junior college I attended, Bunsei Junior College, had both a Faculty of Fine Arts and a Faculty of Culture.
Students from the Fine Arts department could attend lectures in the Culture department, and vice versa—it was encouraged as part of a well-rounded education.
One professor in the Culture department, nicknamed “Doogie Howser,” gave such interesting lectures that I was a regular in his classes. I’m sure he remembers me well.
So here’s my question:
Why do I have to sit here, tapping away on my iPhone to write manuscripts about Greek mythology, when Doogie Howser himself could be writing them?
Why not let him tell his stories, and have everyone listen to him?
Am I the only one who thinks this way?
⸻
In Doogie Howser’s lectures—though I may be mixing in some things from Master Keaton, since I studied both around the same time—his take on Greek mythology went like this:
The ancient Greeks were living in peace, perhaps a bit complacent, and in their free time they sought entertainment. Myths were created to fill that demand, and as bards performed them, money began to flow in. People wanted more intense stimulation, wilder stories.
This part aligns with my own current-day media theory:
The public craves ever more extreme tales, and so the myths became more and more exaggerated.
Criticizing nobles or royalty directly would get you killed, so political criticism was wrapped in divine allegory. It wasn’t “I’m talking about you,” it was, “Oh no, I mean Zeus—definitely not you.”
So, are all these myths literally true? Of course not. Many stories used the names of gods but were actually based on real individuals.
⸻
Any student from the Faculty of Culture would know this—it’s basic.
So why on earth am I the one who has to write it down?
The point is: stories are deliberately blended with fiction to match what the audience wants.
⸻
And speaking of performance—
Yes, I sometimes say nasty things to my daughter, but that’s because I know she’s acting. Even when I ask her to stop, she keeps playing the victim, so I throw in some sarcasm. It’s not because I genuinely wish her misfortune.
That doesn’t mean others should jump to, “The daughter’s bad—she must be punished.” That’s none of your business. That only complicates things further. If you have questions, don’t try to manipulate me with gaslighting—just look me in the eye and ask, “What did you mean by that?”
Then I’ll answer plainly:
“I’m fed up with you people using my daughter to dump problems on me and make me solve them.”
⸻
Honestly, you can’t solve the question of why school absenteeism happens, or how to stop it, based on one unusual case like my household.
If you are actually bullying my daughter, that could amount to lèse-majesté and be punishable. Yet she’s the one coming to me claiming she’s been bullied—making herself look suspicious.
It’s like when Princess Aiko of the Imperial Family was absent from school—the so-called “experts” never produced any ordinary household data, just some special Einstein-like example, and then said, “Now find the average.”
Are you joking? Or just stupid?
Well, I already know you’re stupid—but this is too stupid.
⸻
And who was the idiot who first said I could only collect statistics from my own experiences? You can gather statistics from things you haven’t personally experienced—just give me the data.
If you really want me to do statistical work, the world standard is: bring the money, bow deeply, and say, “Please, Panda-sama, would you kindly conduct this analysis for us?”
But no—Japanese people think they can stand one step above and say, “If we make Panda experience it, they’ll gladly solve it. They’ll feel virtuous about it. Just give them a discounted melon and they’ll be happy.”
By the way, that last melon was awful.
⸻
Treating someone with an Einstein-level brain like they’ll be satisfied with leftover scraps is exactly why people dislike you.
Maybe start by stepping down from that cardboard box podium you’ve stacked up, stop riding your high horse, and bring real money for real requests.
Where does that flimsy plastic pride come from, anyway?
You barely do any worthwhile research, yet somehow you’re a University of Tokyo professor.
The books I pick up are by professors from Kyoto University or Tohoku University—but I don’t recall ever seeing a University of Tokyo professor’s book. That alone proves how useless they must be.
The students sometimes write books worth reading—but the professors? How did they even get the job? Political faction games, I suppose. Certainly not pure talent. And the Nobel Prize record shows it—almost none. What exactly are you researching? I just don’t get it.
⸻
Afterword
Sorry, but I’m not trying to claim credit for everything.
I just wish you’d stop making me explain things for free.
Without paying me.
Without paying me.
Without paying me.
