June 3, 2025 (Reiwa 7) Hiding My Ability
Prologue – The Intelligence That Hides Its Talons
I believe there must be others like me out there—
those who have lived their whole lives hiding what they know,
never once being asked, “How do you know that?”
The world can be cruel to children who stand out too much.
When you realize that what you see is different from what others see,
many people choose the survival strategy of keeping quiet and blending in.
This is the record of a world I saw—
while “covering my tracks like Conan-kun,”
pretending not to notice,
and yet quietly observing.
At the same time, it’s a small question posed to a world where “knowing things”
is not a point of pride,
but a source of loneliness.
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June 3, 2025 (Reiwa 7)
Until I discovered the world of the internet,
no one had ever asked me:
“Why do you know that?”
“Why do you think that way?”
The reason was simple—
I was hiding my abilities.
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If something I knew was about to be exposed,
I would dodge it like Detective Conan.
“Eh? I don’t know. Did I say something?”
I avoided showing what I really saw or thought.
It was a skill for survival.
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My family line is full of “capable” people:
•My father, grandmother, and grandfather were all intelligent, graduating from university or prestigious girls’ schools.
•People assumed, “In a family like that, there’s no way a stupid child could be born.”
In fact, top students in my class even gossiped,
“Panda might skip high school and go straight to university.”
(I learned about this later.)
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On my mother’s side, the background was also “special”:
•My mother was a former typist.
•Her father’s family (my grandfather) managed Ōi Shrine, a historic shrine with 1,400 years of history, enshrining my ancestor, Princess Tamahi.
•My grandfather was an elementary school principal, and my grandmother had graduated from a girls’ school.
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My mother herself excelled at kanji and geography.
But she was raised under the philosophy:
“For girls, a good face and personality are enough.”
She didn’t focus her efforts on intellectual pursuits.
To be honest, she wasn’t very smart.
But as a descendant of a princess, she had a great deal of pride.
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A Cultural Note for Non-Japanese Readers
When this is translated into English, some might wonder why someone intelligent would pretend not to be.
In Japan, there are proverbs such as:
•“The skilled hawk hides its talons” (talent should be hidden)
•“The nail that sticks out gets hammered down” (those who stand out are punished)
•“The more foolish the child, the cuter” (naïveté is endearing)
Now imagine:
You are born in Japan, with even a trace of foreign blood,
physically attractive, a woman, and highly intelligent.
What do you think will happen?
You will stand out constantly.
You will be hammered down again and again.
Even while pretending to be foolish,
I was told things like, “Arrogant foreigner,” “Get out of Japan,” “Go back to America.”
It was just like the younger days of Elon Musk.
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I was once pushed down a flight of stairs and broke my leg.
My homeroom teacher, Mr. Hagiwara, said it was my fault—
because I was “too arrogant.”
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Some say Japan is different now,
but in my daughter’s class there was a half-German boy who read his essay in a trembling voice:
“I like my golden hair.”
From his tone, I could tell he had actually written, “I hate my golden hair,”
but had been coached by the teacher to read it positively.
I thought of warning his Japanese mother that “half-Japanese children can be bullied in rural Japan,”
but she looked at me with the same prejudiced, suspicious eyes I’d seen all my life—
so I said nothing.
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Epilogue
Blood carries history—
those who protected the shrine,
those who taught in schools,
and my mother, who took pride in being descended from a princess.
All of this flows quietly within me,
but for a long time, I couldn’t show it or speak of it.
Intelligence and sensitivity can attract hostility.
Knowing too much.
Being able to think too deeply.
In a world where those traits are seen as “dangerous,”
pretending not to know was the only way to survive.
But now, these words have taken shape,
and the perspective I once hid has finally begun to touch the world.
Perhaps the moment you feel, “I hope someone understands,”
is the turning point in life.
