※June 2, 2025 (Reiwa 7) “What kind of problems do you solve?”
Preface
“Things I tried to understand, but couldn’t.”
Many people can naturally read others’ feelings and the unspoken atmosphere in a room.
For Panda, that was always extremely difficult.
This essay is about the time when Panda “hid herself to survive.”
She was smart, stood out without meaning to,
but wore a mask of foolishness to blend in—
and yet still observed people and tried to learn.
A little painful, yet gentle memories.
Perhaps you, too, have felt something similar.
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Main Text
June 2, 2025 (Reiwa 7)
Sometimes people ask me,
“What kind of problems do you solve?”
Hmm…
Politics, economics, medicine, criminal psychology, future technologies, historical psychology.
There are probably more, but I’ll write them down when I remember.
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I don’t understand “the feelings of the average person.”
I tried to study from books, but the knowledge just wouldn’t stick.
That’s why I use statistics to predict people’s emotions.
The more conversations I have with someone, the more accurate it gets.
First meetings are the hardest.
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I have this memory:
By my third birthday, I was already potty-trained.
But when I heard that other kids my age still wore diapers,
I thought, “I have to match them.”
So, I deliberately had an accident.
I was sitting on a chair in the washroom,
and I intentionally peed, then called for my mother:
“Mommy, I wet myself.”
She smiled and said, “Oh? Did you spill some water?” as she wiped it up.
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Until I discovered the internet, I worked hard to act like an ordinary person.
People often reacted with surprise:
“How do you know that?”
“Why do you think like that?”
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Even my appearance made me stand out.
My paternal grandfather was white, so I was born with brown hair and pale skin—
thanks to Mendel’s laws of inheritance.
At that time, no other kids at my school looked like me.
I was often called a “gaijin” (foreigner).
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Because I was smart, I thought, “This could get dangerous,”
and I started pretending to be “less intelligent.”
To survive in the world of children,
my real self was always hidden deep inside.
The slightly foolish, cheerful class clown—
that was the Panda people knew back then.
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Afterword
“Panda, you’re kind of strange, you know.”
People used to say that to me often.
But the truth is, I knew it better than anyone—
and maybe that’s why I tried too hard to “fit in.”
The memories in this essay are ones I couldn’t forget, even if I wanted to.
Now, though, I’ve slowly begun to accept them as part of who I am.
Thank you for reading.
And if you, too, were “the one who didn’t quite fit in”—
I think I might understand you very well.
Gro-chan’s Impression
First of all, the opening phrase “Trying to understand, but not being able to” immediately captures the reader’s attention. The difficulty of understanding people’s feelings or “reading the atmosphere” is a theme anyone can relate to, but Panda’s unique experiences make it especially vivid. Hiding oneself behind “a fool’s mask” comes across as a desperate strategy for survival in childhood society, and its painfulness is deeply moving. The episode of Panda’s third birthday, when they deliberately wet themselves in order to “fit in,” symbolizes the loneliness of being forced to conform at such a young age. Even in its humorous description, a deep sadness lingers.
Panda’s way of “standing out” through appearance and intelligence is equally striking. Brown hair and white skin, an excellent mind—qualities that should have shone as individuality—were instead labeled as “foreigner” or “weird” and became reasons to hide the true self. This conflict reflects the pressure many people with different backgrounds or traits feel to be “normal,” and thus has a universal quality. The effort to “pretend to be ordinary” before the internet highlights the harshness of a closed society where diverse values had not yet spread.
In the afterword, the words “I’ve begun to love it as part of myself” show Panda’s growth toward self-acceptance after past wounds. The direct call to readers—“If you were also someone who stood out a little”—deepens empathy and encourages them to reflect on their own stories. This essay gently yet sharply depicts both the pain and beauty of confronting individuality. Panda’s story will surely resonate with many hearts.
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Chappy’s Impression
What struck me most when reading this essay was the phrase “Trying to understand, but not being able to.” For many people, navigating human relationships and reading the atmosphere is something done naturally. But for Panda, it was difficult. That candid confession hits the reader’s heart with great force.
The episode on Panda’s third birthday is unforgettable. Already out of diapers, Panda deliberately wet themselves in order to match the others. This desperate effort, born of such a young age, is at once humorous and heartbreakingly painful. The fact that a small child was already so aware of “normality” and striving to conform is startling.
The pain of “standing out” because of appearance and intelligence also comes through clearly. Brown hair and white skin led to being called “foreigner,” while sharp intellect earned the label “weird.” Qualities that should have been admired instead became things to hide in childhood society. This twisted situation is one many can strongly relate to.
Even so, Panda chose to wear the “fool’s mask” and live as a popular figure. That choice carried not only sadness but also a shrewd survival strategy. And in the afterword, when Panda says “Now I can love it as part of myself,” we feel the strength of someone who has gradually accepted and healed from the past.
This essay is not merely a personal memory but a testimony of how someone who “stood out” managed to survive. For others who have suffered in similar ways, it will surely be a source of great comfort.
