Chapter 1.4 - Things Lacking
A heavy door closed soon afterward. The room had a big flattened oval-shaped table in it. One wall side was completely closed off once the door shut, while an array of windows adorned the other wall side to let the daylight in, along with ample room to allow peeks at the clear blue sky outside. Since it was among the highest buildings in the vicinity, the sky was the only thing out there to see unless you stepped close to the window and specifically looked down in an angle. Every time Mirei wound up in this room, she wondered if the designer secretly liked to torture people. Surely they must have had an idea about the endless and mostly pointless discussions that were going to be held in this room. Depending on where you sat, you either had only a gray-white wall to stare at or alternatively the vast sky outside. It was having to choose between facing walls that were about as boring as prison walls, or the sweetness of freedom passing by before your very eyes without being able to access it.
She thought for a moment which one to pick, but it was decided when her companion chose his usual seat at the wall side. She walked a few strides and sat down at the opposite place at the window side. This may have meant more physical distance between them, but being opposite allowed for a better face-to-face conversation.
Admittedly, the boring walls would also force her to keep her gaze fixed at the face before her rather than get distracted by wondering if a bird might fly by behind the window on the other side.
“Here.” The man handed her a bento. It was one of the takeaway boxes from a nearby mini-supermarket. Mirei recognized the brand.
“You didn’t go with them?” She looked up.
“If I did, we’d hardly be sitting here, right?”, he grinned.
“Sei, aren’t you neglecting your management duties?”
“What do you think I’m doing right now? Hm?” He threw her teasing grin back. “Besides, what business would an old geezer like me have to console a youngster’s wounded heart?”
“You make yourself sound like you’re at least his parent’s generation.”
He shrugged. “Well, doesn't over-thirty look all the same to them? As good as one foot in the grave.”
“It didn’t to him, did it?” Mirei wrecked a wry smile, but directed it to the table. It was a grayish white, just like the wall.
(What point does wallpapers and furniture paint even have here?)
She wondered more than for the first time, as she stared at this coloring that was ultimately not that much different than the standard industrial concrete shade of gray.
“Well, he’s younger than me. And you’re younger than me, too. All the same, all the same.”
“We were still peers of the same year last time I checked, thank you very much.”
“Over thirty or not, I’d say that hardly matters. To him, right now, anyway.”
“Maybe it should matter to him?”
They were both rusting through their food packages. He was pouring salad sauce over his edible leaves. He did so deftly, and it looked like the only source of calories for his meal. Mirei meanwhile dipped the soy sauce onto the contents of her bento. She was wearing white as usual, so was being extra careful not to accidentally spill anything onto her clothes.
“It probably will eventually. But not right now, in any case.”
“And that’s why you decided to flee the scene?”
“Sure.” He took his first bite of food. “Who wants to be the villain of stern reason?”
“Oh?” Mirei teased while still busy emptying the last of her soy sauce onto her rice. “When did you learn to be a villain?”
“Comes along naturally when your duties increase.” He looked like he bit something sour. “It’s hard to make a case with that one, though. Falls on deaf ears more often than not.”
“Rose-colored glasses sure are a force to be reckoned with.” She tossed the empty sauce container onto the plastic lid.
“Sure is. Love will make anything look pretty and precious. Whether that be young or old, a good idea or not.”
“Uhum.” Mirei stuffed a bite into her mouth.
“Just asking the obvious. I take it he didn’t inspire any such rosy lens?”
“If he did” Mirei used her chopsticks to cut a piece of fish through. “We’d hardly be sitting here, right?” A clean cut didn’t work, so she started crushing it.
“I guessed as much.”
“And yet you still sent him my way?”
“Uh, well, he looked like he needed that favor, before he gets fully transferred here next month. Getting closure and everything.”, he continued.
“Closure? What’s there to close, when nothing’s ever even started?” Mirei thought about how she couldn’t even remember the young man’s name. He wasn’t from this branch, so she hardly saw him around. But if he was transferring here, she really needed to look up his name soon. She was glad Sei’s name, which meant star, was so nicely combined with meaning something hanging out in the sky every night. It was hard to forget.
(How did I catch his eyes to begin with?)
Then she noticed an amused grimace opposite her.
“Let me guess. You’re trying to remember his name.”
“Spot on. Knowing that, if you were a true matchmaker, I would be thinking you’re making desperate choices. Not giving up just for the sake of it.”
The grimace vanished and changed to a more familiar sense of sincere franticness.
“Oh hey, hey, I was just throwing a bone over, ‘s all. I mean.”, he paused slightly as if he had to think. “He’s gentle and serious about any task you give him. Quite devoted, in fact. And always happy if you praise him.”
“If you want a dog wagging its tail for you.” She reprimanded him with a stern voice. “How about acquiring just that: a dog?” She smiled at him, using the very same smile she used to trash their junior’s remaining meek hopes before lunch.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” He made a sour face.
“Pfft.” Mirei’s harsh demeanor crumbled. “Must be hard to balance everything like that.”
“You can say that again.”
“Why did you become line manager again?”
“I’m not one to decline a promotion when it’s offered without even asking.”
Of course not. Mirei thought matter-of-factly. His second child was on the way. Any pay rise to cover future expenses would be welcome.
“Ahh, and there you were such a cute clumsy dork when we just started working here.” Mirei raised her voice theatrically.
“Uh, well, that had other reasons.” He averted his gaze awkwardly.
“And look at you now. Quite the responsible boss, aren’t you? I could have never straightened you up like that.”
“...”
She chuckled. “You look like you want to deny it, but can’t.”
“M-Maybe I just grew up?”
“Well perhaps.” She put her attention back on her food. “Don’t we all have to at some point.”
“Look.” he straightened his back. “If you don’t want any of this, I’ll stop.”
Mirei had already raised her next bite, but looking at him all serious, she didn’t get the chance to put it into her mouth. She put it back into the box instead.
“I’m not complaining.” She raised the whole box. “I do get some free meals because of that, no?”
“…”
“It’s not your fault, it’s theirs to fall if anything.”
“I don’t think falling in love is anyone’s fau---”
“Then not falling isn’t anyone’s fault either.” She cut him short and started to eat her meal this time. “It’s not as if I’m not giving it any chances at all.”
“...”
Oh. Mirei suddenly realized. “Sorry. My mind slipped. That tone was not appropriate.”
“If it ever becomes too much for you, tell me immediately, please.” He pleaded. “I’ll drop it all at once and handle it myself. For real.”
“No, no, it’s fine.” Mirei waved away. “Don’t you dare get yourself stressed over something silly like that. Makes work more peaceful for me, too.”
“…”
Her hand still in the air, she suddenly stopped. He still looked deflated. Was that being conflicted? No, maybe guilty.
“Just”, she started while lowering her hand. “Truthfully, I do sometimes wonder how you all don’t get tired of trying.” She looked him in the face. “It’s not just about peace at work for you, is it?”
“I…” he started before taking a breath, like bracing himself. “I can only speak for myself.”
“Sure.”
“I want to know what they all… What I lacked.”
“Lacked?”
“How do I put it?” He started to scratch his head. “As you aptly described, maybe it wound up being a good thing that we never became a thing. Well, not that it even really started to begin with…"
She beckoned him to continue.
“And after spending all these years knowing each of you, I think I can see how she’s just… the right one for me, how I’m the right one for her and all the things between us that are just, just so precious to me in that special way, and how that’s probably what made it work for us and would have, has just always been lacking between you and me.”
He rattled it all out in one breath. “Sorry if that doesn’t make any sense.”
Mirei opened her mouth, then closed it again. She started poking with her chopsticks in her food. He stayed silent, just watching her quietly.
“No, I think it does.” She stopped her chopsticks again. “Things ‘lacking’, huh.”
“Just to be sure.”, he cleared his throat. “I’m not wondering how I wasn’t enough for you. I’m happy with who I am.” He grinned. “Let’s just say, I’m kinda curious about what sort of stuff the one who’d make you bat an eye at them would have to be like.”
“…” Mirei blinked twice. Then, as if some things clicked, she smiled.
“Well, who knows.” She swiftly resumed her boxed meal. “Work hard to find out then.”
“… Thanks.”, he answered and continued eating as well.
There was a sense of relief in the room. Mirei candidly once more gave him permission to continue things as they were. But not once did she look up at him for the remainder of their lunch again.
