生きる・きた ‐ パート2
And I really reaped the rewards.
Like I said before, I liked going to school unlike so many others.
That's because I, in turn, was liked by the people there.
Seemingly, my past a bit of a rude guy was swept under the rug by my hard efforts to be a good person.
Of course, there were still those who held resentment towards me, and I don't blame them. It's only right they feel mad at me.
However there are times when I feel like I am living for someone else.
Like training with my father so he is proud.
Getting good grades so the teachers do not scold me.
And trying so hard to make others like me.
「What do I wanna do...?」
I look up at the rainy sky like it could magically bring forth some long-hidden desire.
It's hard not to just stop and get lost in that grey swirling mix that is the sky.
Music... Physics... Computer sciences... Become a superhero! Wait.. no, that's stupid. Be realistic me. Hmm.. what do I like... hm... Novels... Adventure of course...
Sure I like those things... but would I really want to do them? I don't know.
The easy route is simply to continue school the way I am. That at least promises a good future, and it does make me very happy with my life - seeing the progress I make.
...Is this happiness? Or just comfort? Would I even recognize the difference if I saw it?
...
Ahh... still. Something is missing.
But that's part of being human, right? As a human, I will always desire more. Even if I don't truly know what that 'more' is.
You know... maybe if I went back to when I was a child. Like maybe... 8. Maybe then I'd do something more... risky, per se. After all, I have the safety net of a wealthy family below me.
I don't 『really』 want to be some well-off kid who has everything handed to him on a silver platter.
On the flip side of that, I don't want to waste the opportunity I was given from birth.
I feel like I would be doing fate an injustice if I struck out against the beaten path to pursue something uncertain.
I wonder who I would be if I didn't grow up in this family. Would I be someone completely different, or am I, at my soul, the same person through and through?
Like, if I actually faced some serious pushback in life, would I become a hikikomori and just hide away?
'Trouble' or 'Difficulty' aren't really things I experience in my life. The hardest thing for me was pushing aside those arrogant thoughts.
What if I just ended up bound to my computer or something? Or.. or...
It's pointless thinking about it. I'm just rambling at this point, what am I even trying to get at?
「Hah... if the world were to end today, I think I'd be happy with what I've achieved... Yeah, no way I could dislike this life.」
If you were in my shoes, I wonder if you'd think the same way...
I suppose it's difficult to truly see things from someone else's perspective. At least, that's what I think.
Without knowing everything about that person's life, you really don't know if you'd change it.
Whatever, that's enough thinking for today. I need to save some energy for classes.
